Did you notice… it was a month of mental health or maybe just a day, I somehow always expect gifts on such days. I gathered or was born with so many of switches in my brain that, I have decided to accept it but…
… it does not mean I am healed, normal or working on…
It means, I am trying to survive.
Because this life is now, it happens now and if you wanna live it is now. But also, life does not mean you got to climb highest mountain, drink tones of beer or eat duck in every place of the world… where the heck I got those ideas from? No idea. LOL But… There is one thing I wanted to point out… I have noticed celebrities influencers talking about mental health or periods, pain and illnesses but… there is so many of them and all of the sudden they all get it, what with period is bit regular for a healthy body LOL sooo… yeah, listening about can make it sound…
Me not interested, me does not believe it. Is it a promotion? Were they payed for it? This is what people ask. This is what people hear. Because all of those messages which so often are the same, the same phrases, moments sometimes even sceneries… it makes so called healthy people again not believing in depression on anxiety. What I hear often: go out – I am scared of people, I freeze often outside. I can go out alone only few times a year, recently even less… I was out alone, WOW few days ago… 4 hours of photos and walking. Yes, I was medicated, still it was scary. Sooo do influencers, talking about depression, mental health, period being a normal thing is useful?
But maybe from time to time it should be done differently.
How it started with me?
Well… I was born this way, remember being unique chapter? Well, this is me. Depression and anxiety were always with me, around me, in me. Yes, there were bits of life which watered it. Put manure into my fears. People touching little girl. Too many hands. Too much touching. Then all those people asking me why I do not go out, I should, I am a teenager and I only read… there was even a boy who said: “I do not know what to do with her, she only reads books.”.
… my life, many lives. Then University, oh it helped and not. Then ending it, work and I felt falling apart… loosing marbles, puzzles, pieces. Then my PhD, I was so proud of myself, maybe I was pro in throwing up – oh yes, I did not mention I have also an eating disorders, well, I do – but also I had my thesis, still do. I will finish it, one day. I am not in a hurry, not anymore, but then… yeah, someone said a woman should not, symbolism is stupid – 20 years ago in Poland… it was like now in Poland. They do suck when it comes to science and religion. Never able to put boundaries. But… I collapsed. I had something like a mental breakdown. I was still working but only on line… and I have decided to look for help. To be honest psychologists and psychiatrists were in my life since my birth so it was nothing new. I got meds, I thought I got better but it was a lie.
I woke up after a year figuring out that I did not get out from our tiny apartment.
Then I woke up looking into a whole emptiness and deciding… do you wanna throw up all your life or are we doing something with it? I have decided to do something with it. And we moved. Of course I am making it sound soooo easy… we had to sell our home, paid off the bank, pack, move, then move to another country on a tiny island… and start again. And I was a mess. There was that bit which finally made me be clear with myself, being over 30… that I am who I am.
Now also autistic.
Lovely, what else will I get?
Yes, I am trying to laugh because I cried, too much and I will cry, I know it, this year was a madness but now, years later at least I have roof over my head, no job and write it publicly… Sad fucking me. Oh well. Science and art do not mix or more like mix lovely but not bring money on my account.
Dear New Moon I want 3000000 DKK on my account, I am not very pushy… this can be enough… LOL
See, the problem with being a witch is… magic does not equal money. This is how I was taught. You do stuff and people are happy, you sometimes got gifts. But it is not a must. Sooo… now here I am. Adult, LOL, with bears, stuffed, moose poop on my table… yeah, that trip to Sweden got me a small kick, maybe I will survive till next trip. Maybe… depression, anxiety, autism, bulimic with anorectic episodes… I am loving myself. I am awesome and funky!
And I am afraid of the postman.
Well, everyone has problems, right?
And yes, I have a Familiar working on me. Embarrassing in these modern years. Yup… I am sorry I am still alive – this is what I often rethink.
Sooo… whatever you feel, go to a doctor, they can help you, give candies… but the biggest work you have to do with yourself. If it is so deep and far, well, accept it. Then look for ways of feeling better. At least taking pain away. At least… do not listen that partying can help, that walks will solve everything, though they do help me.
If there is none around.
Because people are the biggest trigger for me.
Everyone has their own triggers. I also do not deal well with summer, sun, light, sounds… etc. You know, regular stuff, also modern technology. Yes, no phone, no TV. I have no idea what is popular on Netflix though I do listen to the music or sometimes listen movies… yeah, more listen than watch. Still, books are life for me but sometimes… also they can be a trigger. I may not be able to touch them…
You are your best and worse doctor.
You will know something is wrong and you have to make that step to feel better. Sometimes you will not be healed, sometimes yes, it will go away. But still, the biggest work is you accepting that this is you. A cute weird bit of you. Maybe this bit makes you an artist, maybe a scientist, maybe just a cuddle being…
PS. One of the moments which pushed me into more like getting together project was a moment when I figured out… I can not longer read. It was so weird. Also, when pills from psychiatrist which was just experimenting on me because, come on, a woman plus depression = hysteria, still… nothing has changed… Sooo now I am only on a small mix. Which makes me a ticking bomb.
Next time? My tricks for anxiety!