I do

I don’t need much…

To be honest, I really do not.

Books, tea, peace and quiet, emptiness, good sleep, fresh water, food which does not make me sick…

And emptiness.

Places which are more like me…

Ends of the worlds.

With no people, bunch of rocks on the sea… this one is in Sweden, Hamburgsund.

A bunch of rocks in front of you, tiny island, some of them even got tiny homes, for those preferring saltiness and fishiness.

For me… always, it is a huge part of me pictured in the Universe.

But…

Even though it is so no humans only nature thing, still…

I need trees.

I can not live without them.

Can not.

This is why I so love the Swedish coast.

It has everything.

Rocks, ancient bits and trees…

So maybe I do need a lot. All those trees, wilderness, moose, waves… maybe I do need a lot?

Maybe?

I am

I am

“I need and I think
I can live without it
I want and I think it
is not necessary
I dream and suddenly I
feel guilty
I am and am not sure if
this all is true…
what I
see
what I
feel

what I
need

what I
want

what my mind brings
what my mouth speak out
what my hands do
what my heart feels” Ch.J.

Summer

Yeah, to be honest, I do not wait for sunny and warm…

Not at all.

I do not have vacations, I do not like warm and sunny, in fact it weirdly rise up my depression, always.

Sun is evil for me…

And still, when it comes to photos, I need it.

Though, also not always, and not much.

And nope, even spring does not bring me hope… to be honest, I believe in nothing… even hope.

Am I useless?

Maybe I am, I will live with it. Though somehow when I am open about it nobody gets me? I mean really people, bullying me because I hate summer?

Fuck you.

Yup, this is me… more bitchy, more fighting for myself… more liking myself in those depressing, scared, unhappy pieces…

This is me.

A weird puzzle.

Guess what? You do not have to like me. I am weird. I am different. I am myself and to be honest, too old to worry about someone being offended because I in fact have no input in their lives… truly…

And does it matter if you love summer and I do not?

Does it really?

Nope… I can tell you what I love in gloominess and you can tell me how the smell of sun burning skin is making you happy. It is awesome… we used to do it all the time, but now, somehow, I am scared to admit I do not like sunny and warm. I have no hope and happiness and…

I still am breathing.

Sunflowers

I mean…

… maybe it was not a perfect, rich field of sunflowers, but still…

My first.

At least since I remember…

Field, warm weather… for some it is magic…

For me it was like another planet. Something to work on… to explore.

Of course that I ate sunflower seeds or saw flowers, but only plural…

Not like… covering the space…

Making everything so full.

Beautiful. Though also so common…

Rich and poor.

Somehow so… okay, mostly sticky.

And itchy…

I bought a bunch of them, could cut them by myself…

Oh the memories of the past…

Striking.

And someone will say: oh, those are just sunflowers…

I can only say, it is as rare as a human being using its brain.

Sadly.

These were planted, but not in a stupid way. Planted but also the whole field involved other plants, you know, bees…

Loneliness…

To be honest, especially on those ferry boats or tourists cruisers I think… there is a lot of loneliness…

Really a lot.

I mean, looking at those majestic, huge boats, I somehow feel only this… loneliness. Trying to escape and not finding the promised land.

Trying…

And also… being in a tin can, which in fact in the rays of sun looks…

Looks so different.

So… more war like.

Old…

Ancient even.

Denuded.

From one side golden treasure, from other…

Scary thing.

A tin on a spooky sea…

Yeah, I am not the one who will end on a cruise ship.

For sure.

But a ferry… well, living on an island makes you having no choice…

I still can not walk on water.

The lighthouse

I think everyone has its own lighthouse.

A place which calls them, reminds them that there is always a safe spot…

Even if it is only something in us.

In our dreams…

What comes at night, when covered with duvets or blankets we try to escape from reality. Because reality hurts.

Too much…

Always.

But also a place which tells you that evil is close. That it is better not to go there, better to listen old stories and not make mistakes which were already made…

I do not know where is mine…

For sure hiding at home is number one, but there is something more…

Calling me.

New… though so well known… familiar…

A place…

Blame me…

Blame me…

“Blame me…

come on, I know you want to.

You always need someone to blame for…

for everything

for yourself

for themselves

for others mistakes

for broken mug

forgotten dreams

for weather

bad

good

for tasty food

too much

for nasty food

painful stuff

for not used things

lost opportunities

for clouds

for soil

broken leg

broken toy

weird rhymes

poems which you did not like

unused pans

and of course

not eaten jams

for it all you can blame me

because it was me

probably…” Ch. J.

Safe

Feeling safe… it is so important.

Yeah, of course I am aware that there are people loving that thrill…

Jumping, climbing… though still even them, that adrenaline rush, sometimes being safe even for them is the most important thing.

This is why we buy insurances, right?

So why sometimes we just jump?

Jump into unknown?

Because we are humans.

We change?

Because… just because?

We wanna try new?

Wanna check if we still… can?

Or maybe something else?

Though even then…

We need that light, which will lead us home.

But for so many home does not mean safe… safe place, their place. We should remember this when we happily jump into thoughts: be happy you have a home, be happy you can stay there in this isolation, be happy…

I am so done with people just assuming…

Fucking assumers. Yeah, you all thinking you know the person behind the photo… to be honest, you know nothing. So many of us deserves Oscars for our acting on line… pretending, being on social media…

So many of us…

I have lost…

Somehow…

“I have lost myself

somehow

somewhere

one day

maybe night

I do not remember when and where

I just feel it…

emptiness

not getting what is in and out.

I have lost myself.

It could not be long time ago

I still remember this comfiness of knowing my moves

of knowing my likes and what I detest

I remember, though…

I have lost myself.

And I am not sure if finding me

is possible…

I do not even know

if I care.” Ch.J.

And when you wait…

I am truly, always surprised when people say they were bored waiting for something/someone…

To be honest, when you wait for a ferry in Ystad, there is a lot to look on…

Especially when the sun is setting.

And that awesome Cracovia comes…

I mean really, check all Polferries ferries… oh my, I rhymed. LOL

But when you finally get over that tones of metal are floating… on the sea…

Not sinking…

Yeah, maybe better not think about it before journey. Truly… though I am always on my sea sick pills, sooo… I so not care… about a lot.

But look… the fence, freedom of the sea…

True metaphor.

Metaphor of now…

And how we all feel…