Vrångstad gravfält 3

I can not feel her recently…

… my island, the one was the reason I moved here. That love, that passion. She did hurt me more than I thought. It is still my home, one and only, though… yeah… maybe there is no coincidence in my life.

No “just happened”

I keep showing you last summer bits and to be honest, I miss them so much. I feel the real, physical pain in me. Maybe I should finally honestly admit in front of you and myself, which I feel like I should be there…

Not here.

But I earn nothing, I feel like nothing, I am addicted to my familiar, I relay on him in almost everything… I am nobody, I am only those photos, memories, some knowledge, ideas and… guilt. Fear and depression.

I feel unwanted, I feel useless…

Maybe it is not a coincidence I have all those thoughts when showing you this amazing stone circle…

… and this is my confession.

Have I lost my life or just a moment of it?

Is it me, a looser in all aspects or there is still some hope?

I accepted depression and anxiety, decided to destigmatize it, live with it, use it in my research and life, art and all that stuff, but was it a good step? Not everyone gets it. Or more like, one for the rest of the world gets it. Or few people… a bit the same like me… weird.

I decided I can live with it…

Project myself, which also is a part of my research, sooo… it is a good idea, or seemed so… but now, I am staying home and hiding.

I work a lot, though… is it work if you get no cash for it only tears and fear and a lot of sleepless nights?

But… maybe I was only fooling myself?

Maybe it is too much?

Maybe I should just stop?

Dreaming, hoping, breathing…

There is no other way.

Seems sooo…

I tried so many of them and choose wisely. I know which one are mine. I know it, so why… it is not happening?

Money in modern days are everything. They say if you are needed for this world. Somehow in this sphere I am a looser… somehow, I prefer to give than feel weird when getting something, but I must eat, pay, give…

I am…

I so do not belong to those times…

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