Sooo yeah, my birthday is coming… in fact is coming in two days on 25th. And you know what? I feel nothing. As always.
Since I was a kid there was never something like a party because of my birthday, nameday or whatever I achieved. Even our wedding had no reception. Somehow… I do not party. And I am not a fan of cakes. I prefer my regular diet. Same is with all holidays. Especially Easter scares me totally. All because of Christianity, and all this pain, and me not getting zombies and all that stuff… but coming back to birthdays… I remember one cake, in fact it was a round fresh bread with lollipops stuck in it. Imagine it, huge, colorful hedgehog. In last century it was something big.
My so called parents remembered but usually there were only small gifts and nothing more. They had their parties but not me. Although, did I want some? I think as a tiny child I had weird parties which in fact were a pretext for adults to drink too much and eat too much, and do all those adult things. Maybe this is why I am not an adult? Because for me it is repulsive in fact?
So do not expect cake and party. In fact expect nothing, although presents must be… but I want them now. I do not wanna wait. Because I wanna party when I feel so, not when a calendar tells me to do it. When I feel weirdly joyful I wanna gifts and fun… for now cards and presents. LOL People often say about sharing the joy… maybe in fact I am unable of doing it? I love making gifts and giving them, sending letters, doing things for others, but when I get gifts, I feel that it is wrong. That I do not deserve it… Like few days ago someone wrote to me – not for the first time – that my photos are amazing, that they make this person happy… Do you know how I felt?
And yes, my shrink said it is normal with such individuals like me.
Then he cried… oh well.
Happy Birthday dear Arieses!!! We are the best aren’t we? LOL