Old wive’s tale… kids…

Yeah, to be honest, I have no idea how it all started.

I for sure have totally no picture when it comes to an end too but…

… first I was a kid, really weird one, not wanting people around, trying to run away few times, until I sadly realized nobody cares that I am gone…

… none looks for me…

… having dreams about my own mother – spoiler alert, I have no idea who my father was/is still, really – which was getting smaller and smaller and I was only a few year old who in fact had to be a mother, an adult, shit scariest of any nightmares, and since that moment, I think…

… maybe it was in fact that moment…

I knew I do not want to have kids.

I tried to imagine myself as mother having someteen years. Twins in fact, two girls with long hair… yeah, you may in fact here see a pattern starting, so I will say it, I am obsessed when it comes to hair. Those on your head. Long and beautiful… I do not have them. Mine are weak and genetically looking will never be awesome, so since I was grown up enough, I knew I will not be trying coloring them or in fact treating them badly, too much, too hot, too… everything… being careful.

I was in fact born old, it looks so… boring. LOL

But it was about kids… yeah, now, still here, still not wanting kids after over 20 years of being married and looking around, I see hair, still jealous, but in this admiring way. Just being happy that someone has at least one problem less. Although maybe it is too hot for them, or they are struggling with those hair, maybe…

… there is nothing certain, nothing sure…

Except this, that I still do not want to reproduce.

That kids thing is not for me. I wanted to be an aunt, but well, you know, maybe when they will get older… you can not push anyone into love or just being together. People so easily forget that kids are kids only for some years then they become themselves and… are still kids for parents but parents forget that they are more like just humans. Someone’s love, mothers and fathers and in fact families but also just separate beings soo… yeah, why am I rumbling so weirdly?

Because it is autumn, leaves fall and people again start to yell at young and even older women: have kids!!! This is the only thing which makes you a woman, which makes you important, full living, which… blah blah blah…

Kids!!! Like having a child was a recipe, remedy for everything.

Marriage, sadness, depression, bad hair, stomach pains…

I mean really.

When I was at the doctor for the first time – the doctor – there was that sentence: oh, she throws up every month, pain, oh well, she will have a baby everything will be okay… TMI I got my first cramps at age of 8!!! Yeah… Nobody checked if maybe I have endometriosis, which I probably have… Yeah, again spoiler, had one surgery when I was 16, I should repeat it but…

You all know how it is, but coming back to babies.

Cute on photos, geez… tried to take care of them, have a younger brother, though again spoiler… he hates me now, I think, and I mean, nope. And genes, yeah, I am a mess, do not want someone to have to go through it what I battled. Nope. Could not just give it to someone sooo… am I against asking about babies? To be honest, nope. It is that creepy question but a very normal one. But you may not like an answer. See, you can ask, I can answer and you have to accept this answer as I accepted the question. And this is it. Though I am so sorry for girls, ladies… having all those struggles. Working like crazy, there is no equality even in Scandinavia, it is a lie… we have to work more. So working… and then pregnant.

It is not like, just give birth and give it away… are you dumb?

I mean, this is the dumbest saying ever!!!

Really!!!

Why vaginas are nowadays everyone’s businesses?

If someone struggles to have kids, it should be said if they want to, if they do not want kids, also, and it should be normal that creating a human, not just a cute face for your fucking social media… is a big, huge job. And you, parents should be aware of it. None will create a human, good, understanding, having ups and downs but understanding them and a huge deal, that others may also feel this way…

… not a rapists, not a bullying being…

… it is all your doing.

Huge job.

Not for me.

PS. Yes, my husband also do not want kids. Just FYI. When in relationship, always talk it first!!!

Fjällbacka 8

Hidden and exposed.

Ready to be explored and completely closed… bits of life, sea life.

Special life.

Amazing life.

Life which changed and in fact did not change that much.

To be honest, those old huts stole my heart.

That wood, that magic of unknown.

Tiny windows and borders… existing but not for the waves…

Not for water.

Nope.

Water is here the both: fun and fear.

You feel wind, storm coming in your bones.

A headache brings you visions of madness on the open sea…

But mostly look… it totally looks like  other real. Another world…

I love this place…

Fjällbacka 7

And to be honest…

I have no idea why I feel here like at home?

Why?

Is reincarnation the answer? Was my humble me a fisherman? Nej, with my seasickness it can not be this…

No way.

This could not be it.

Right?

But whatever the weather… it is the place I cry when I see the photos, when I can go there… when I am there…

Or just close…

And I am not fan of red… not until now…

Geez… who am I?

And yes, I prefer walking, touching, feeling, smelling… okay, this sounds weird a bit… TMI? Too much?

I am not fan of bicycles because I do not want to carry that whole stuff when I wanna climb on rocks…

No way!

Fjällbacka 6

I mean…

Okay, my island rocks, but this place is like bunch of my islands…

Combined together.

And rocking.

And yes… this is my favorite house.

You know why, I am so whimsical.

Too whimsical even?

I see fairy tales everywhere… unknown beings, I hear stories and create legends.

Because I can.

Because…

Here it is not only easy, it is a must.

Or maybe it is only me?

Only…

Fjällbacka 5

And to be honest, here everything even stinks differently… come on, we are by the sea soooo… there can be a subtle aroma…

Or more…

But still, it is not like everywhere…

It is not like all the time.

Most of it is architecture eating the rock.

Or cuddling it.

House by house…

Like they could not be apart.

Like they could not live alone.

And the mighty rock… is watching it all.

Protected, giving a shade but also… breathing.

I want to hear more of it… be there when the snow comes, waves come…

Forget the dreams

Forget the dreams

“Maybe we should forget the dreams
do not write them down
maybe then they lost their wings
and painfully
fall down?

Maybe we should forget the dreams
which were our life at night
and not take theirs breathing
still let them
fly?

Maybe we should forget the dreams
let them belong into that other space
maybe we will meet again
when the time cuts our wings…
and we will never die?” Ch.J.

Maybe…

Fjällbacka 4

Fjäll means a flat place, a place between the rocks, the one which is above the waves but… is also able to touch the sea…

A very special place which can be inhabited.

Not that they are unable to build houses on the rocks.

Come on, they do live on rocks.

Sometimes it is even scary… sometimes impressive.

Sometimes…

You want it and sometimes…

You are scared. Or just have this feeling. That it is not for you and sometimes… there is too many sometimes.

LOL Because often everyone wants to live in this place… and privacy does not exist.

Truly.

But you can always…

Take a boat and find an empty rock.

And feel/hear only your thoughts.

Fjällbacka 3

I mean, I get obsessed easily with bits of life I am not used to…

Like those traps, ropes…

I know how it works, know how it goes but still…

It is not me.

I am much a harvester.

Of memories and creator of stories.

And discoverer of things people stopped noticing.

Memories…

I am a book in fact.

The One Who Sees though is in fact half blind.

Oh well… I love to be me even with all those mental bobs. Because without them I would not be me maybe…

Maybe…

And a dreamer… now I want to own a part of the land and have a summer house here… between the rocks…

Zaklęcie…

Zaklęcie

The spell, which I am unable to translate, hope to create one in English too… soon.

“Budź się krwi
budź się wolo
niech się rzeczy
nie spierdolą
niech i siły
wszystkim stanie
bo przecież życie
wciąż na stanie
bo przecież wciąż
poweitrze
woda
skała i drzewo
oczu błysk zza drogi roga
i dzikość tańca
szaleństwo myśli
się niech dzieje
niech i się wyśni
przyszłości radości
wszelakie momenty
zapomnisz przecież
zaskoczą cię zakrety
i niech się stanie
co się wyśniło
by jedno uczucie
chociaż ucieszyło…” Ch. J.

Fjällbacka 2

And…

… somehow I could spend here hours just taking photos…

Just being and breathing and especially because it was 2021 sooo… there was no tourists.

Yeah.

Feeling weirdly free.

And finding bits and bobs which amaze me…

And others do not notice them even… just passing by…

Oh wait, there is nobody.

Nobody…

Those colors, structures…

Okay, smell, but come on, we are by the sea.

Be careful.

Being in the water are waiting for some meat…

LOL

And now this place is a mess. In fact does not exist. Hope they will repair it soon because for sure people living there are over this all mess and sound!

I bet!