Somehow for last few years we all live in…
Clean, basic, overwhelming fear.
Some of us try to fight it, some surrender, some… done of it a life reason. Life path. Fear, finding all the time worse messages, news, rethinking too much, watching news etc. And… selling this to others.
Filling others with fear.
Pandemic, illness, war, lack of supplies… Putin calling my little island and saying: YOU CAN NOT DO THIS! I mean, here people are scared of Russians since 1945. If you check, even Wikipedia, you will find info about my island trapped when everyone else was happy because that war was over.
My island was still under and none cared sooo…
Living through war state in Poland I remember different fear, tanks, fear of adults which had no idea what to do. I was hiding in my Grandmother’s home but somehow as a kid was not informed about what is going on… sooo… I was protected. Children being protected from this adult stuff-world is precious. Fairy tales and little lies. Yes, they end… comes this moment you are somehow, nope, you are never ready for adulthood, this weird game. No rules, just bodies, money…
Now fear is my every moment. No happiness, but… I got pills for that. I am not fighting for happiness just calm is enough. Peace of heart and mind. But… this does not mean I can not fight back. I removed news from my life, television, media, even social media… I use them in the craziest way ever, I post something, then check it once and done. I have no phone, no sounds, no beeping. I of course need sounds because of my crazy mind but it is the sound I know, Asterix and Cleopatra… some youtubers which are calm and not bringing fear with their voices and music.
Birds outside, that annoying seagull knocking my window, I love that bitch but still, she sometimes takes shit of me… I moved to the middle of the sea and still, somehow, sometimes, fear of others hurt me. Hit me hard. People re-posting messages not knowing in fact what is going on but… they think they do something good or… they know nothing. You know, like someone telling you: you are fat, you should do something about it… oh really you bitch?
You are an asshole, you can do nothing about it.
Avoiding people helps.
No television and media too. But this fear, recently, it is so thick I am getting more and more triggers even when in the woods. In my home, which should be safe. In the place I created, not fully yet… writing and painting helps, working, all the time… pills for sleep, never wake up… tempting.
Okay, it is depression… but I have it in my DNA… why the world comes to me with it’s fear and wants my attention?