How?
How is it possible to love two places?
It is like being in love with two persons.
Like… totally crazy.
You are in one place and feel that the other one is jealous, you are in this other one… and feel the same.
Crazy…
Sometimes I think being a witch is like being a priest or a nun and… just feeling that… strange thing…
The calling.
Of a place… nature…
Sea… so salty…
Rocks, so breathtaking…
Moose… yeah, it is all about them. LOL
On my island
“On my island
which is more
small than big
where rocks drink
myths dance
trees want more
people
are sometimes gone
…
on this island
which I call mine
wind brings tellings
all the time
in salty air
with salty ends
refreshingly amazing
stories unknown
which can be fame
…
on my island
souls also hide
you light a candle
in stormy night
whisper a spell
invite do not banish
with flickering light
mark the way
to let them
find those
who still care
…
on my island
which is more than rocks
normality is nature
wind is the power
wind is the storm…” Ch. J.
I mean, I always think about them…
Travelers of the past.
Those people screaming: land. Hungry of the piece of soil which is not wobbly, not moving, not salty…
All the time.
But the past was not always a welcoming piece of land…
Sometimes there were bonfires calling ships to the rocks and… yeah, people robbing the ships, killing people…
Life.
Not only in the past…
People are somehow much more evil nowadays.
Not caring…
The world is a worse place now.
Truly.
Sadly…
And on photos, of course… Fjällbacka, Sweden. A place with islands around, where people really live, hermits almost…
Almost.
Sit somewhere where you feel safe…
Sit calmly in a good place.
Just sit, close your eyes…
… or nope, maybe this time you will try something new?
Are you ready for it? Because all I want you to do is concentrate on this one photo… Photo, of course, I took myself in an amazing valley. Imagine it, not too deep but enough, above you a blue sky, light wind, around you rocks and trees growing above all odds. On the rocks, breaking them proving what is stronger, rock or paper… well, always paper. Always that tree…
Here is the silence and light sound of a stream, some frogs started to sing… it is like, everything you need you have, everything you have is not making you heavier or scared, everything is you and you are apart of everything…
Breath…
… look deeper into the photo. It is in fact so simple but also so deep and I am not talking only about this color. Violet, or purple? That depth… yeah, of course I am proud of it but to be honest I am more like grateful that this light found me. Because it was a crazy day. Chilly a bot and the trees and light, they were so playful. So joyfully happy together. Sooo… natural. Look at those needles, you could count them. But mostly look at those trees, like old priest, druids, magicians, people of power joined together in this ceremony… or putting up hands witches, so finally understood, feeling free…
This is this place.
Blessing light.
You are there too… one of them. Sit down between the rocks, close to the tree, feel it, hear them, smell the sap… it is there, everything and you are a part of it. A part of the woods, light, story…
Breath…
In the past it was a dream…
… for those on the sea looking for land.
That line, darkness or a bigger cloud on the horizon.
The horizon itself being somehow a promise that there is more if we reach that places, that there is…
… a promise?
Dream?
Hope?
Why do we still feel so ancestory when close to the sea?
Though… others prefer mountains or caves and there find this feeling?
Are we the tribes of water, fire, rock and the sky?
Or maybe… some of us just feel the energies of those powers stronger? For me it is total craziness. I must be by the sea and love to play with fire…
And love to dig too. LOL
But I am not a sea person when it comes to sailing, boating etc. No way. Just give me my seasick pills and let me scream. LOL
Who are you? When you look at your horizon? Do you have yours? Not the one you see, the one you feel in you, deep there where you pretend to not look… sometimes even doubt it exists…
I mean really?
Your inner child.
This part of you which wants to jump when is excited?
This part of you which wants a huge bunch of lollies but…
Oh yes, you are an adult.
Boring you.
Sit here with me and stick out your tongue.
Just do it!
Great, first move. Now wipe your mouth you salivating monster. LOL Come on, we will have ice cream only because we can, and somehow now when we can you let Gods of Calories to push you out from the cart. Come on, we will take bubble gum and chocolate and maybe… sprinkles?
And then we will just walk and look at the pavement, be careful of lines, do not step on lines, look there, so cool, looks like dragon… and that guy looks so similar to this dragon branch. LOL Yes, we are not laughing because of him, only because our minds are free and create those funny connections… it is not about being mean, we are adults, we know how mean kids can be, so we do not like kids.
Not sharing my ice cream bugger off!
I will buy a bear or a doll house… and play LEGO whole day.
Being an adult sucks. Sucks in many dimensions if you let adultness to somehow posses you. Only if… Because there is another way. It is right in front of you or in you. Hidden in that tiny ring you will have from twigs and few stones and branches, and loving those fairy tales all again. Just because you can read only fairy tales instead of sad news. You can and you should…
Be a fairy be a princess be… not someone who makes yourself bored.
Come on.
You can do it!
Stick out your tongue again and look at the sea… yeah, I know there are others watching us. Does it really matter? Oh, hi miss Blank. Yes, will have my dissertation tomorrow. Yes, for sure…
Bugger. LOL
It was 2020…
… when everything was still around the beginning of this… fear.
Pandemic was present but Sweden was different during those years.
People here were less scared, less panicy.
Careful but… of course vacation in Sweden were like emptiness welcoming you… amazing time.
Peace and quiet.
Of course, also distance…
And all of sudden empty harbor…
Sea only for me.
So empty… with few boats, usually it is so crowded here…
Only rocks.
And quiet city.
And water…
Jump?
Yeah, I know, not allowed…
Somehow for last few years we all live in…
… fear.
Clean, basic, overwhelming fear.
Some of us try to fight it, some surrender, some… done of it a life reason. Life path. Fear, finding all the time worse messages, news, rethinking too much, watching news etc. And… selling this to others.
Filling others with fear.
Their fear.
Pandemic, illness, war, lack of supplies… Putin calling my little island and saying: YOU CAN NOT DO THIS! I mean, here people are scared of Russians since 1945. If you check, even Wikipedia, you will find info about my island trapped when everyone else was happy because that war was over.
My island was still under and none cared sooo…
Living through war state in Poland I remember different fear, tanks, fear of adults which had no idea what to do. I was hiding in my Grandmother’s home but somehow as a kid was not informed about what is going on… sooo… I was protected. Children being protected from this adult stuff-world is precious. Fairy tales and little lies. Yes, they end… comes this moment you are somehow, nope, you are never ready for adulthood, this weird game. No rules, just bodies, money…
Power.
Fear.
Now fear is my every moment. No happiness, but… I got pills for that. I am not fighting for happiness just calm is enough. Peace of heart and mind. But… this does not mean I can not fight back. I removed news from my life, television, media, even social media… I use them in the craziest way ever, I post something, then check it once and done. I have no phone, no sounds, no beeping. I of course need sounds because of my crazy mind but it is the sound I know, Asterix and Cleopatra… some youtubers which are calm and not bringing fear with their voices and music.
Myself.
Birds outside, that annoying seagull knocking my window, I love that bitch but still, she sometimes takes shit of me… I moved to the middle of the sea and still, somehow, sometimes, fear of others hurt me. Hit me hard. People re-posting messages not knowing in fact what is going on but… they think they do something good or… they know nothing. You know, like someone telling you: you are fat, you should do something about it… oh really you bitch?
You are an asshole, you can do nothing about it.
Yuck!
Avoiding people helps.
No television and media too. But this fear, recently, it is so thick I am getting more and more triggers even when in the woods. In my home, which should be safe. In the place I created, not fully yet… writing and painting helps, working, all the time… pills for sleep, never wake up… tempting.
So tempting.
Okay, it is depression… but I have it in my DNA… why the world comes to me with it’s fear and wants my attention?
Come on, sit with me.
No words needed.
Just breath.
And watch, or close your eyes…
And flow away.
Just be.
It is enough. Though you can dream about more… and when you dream, you should step in those dreams…
In your own shoes.
Come on.
You can not do everything, you do not need everything…
Maybe this boat is waiting for you?
Maybe this life is not for you?
Maybe the great change is always by your side, but social media showed you weir world…
Disturbing.
Not letting fit you in.
Shaping everything crazy not like it looks, like you know it should look. Perfect leaves, perfect trees… waves and waters… or everything filthy.
Or destroyed?
Look around… this is the world. This is the sea… but I am sure there is something fascinating around you. Just sit, look, breath… maybe it is your place, all you have to do is clean up. Or pack and run away…
Maybe…
Yeah… I do not go out.
Here is my HUGE secret. Me posting those photos… yes, I took them, but not yesterday, not today…
Boo.
But recently I went for a walk…
… and it was precious. And it was like discovering everything for the first time. Not again, not with a different season, but in fact for the first time.
We walked a small valley, hard one. I mean path. Bunch of roots, stones, wet, muddy, really wanting you and that energy around, like in some stone circle, ancient. Because there were rocks, water, wind and fire in me. Trees, older than many of those here. And grass, leaves, colors and quietness. Amazing silence. Everything so needy in life… and me. I finally came into it.
Nope it was not a perfect walk, we passed a lot of fallen trees. They are cutting them like crazy, do not talk to me about working and trimming woodlands. Nope. I am done with it. This is Scandinavia and that ecological bullshit here is truly a marketing goal. But also here you will find people who live in the woods, buy them, try to protect them. Are amazing, sooo…
Blaming those above us?
For sure… but…
Why I do not go out? Because of this. Woods disappearing. I am done. It is painful. And recently my anxiety and depression came back and is blooming more than trees around. Our spring is a bit late. This island is slow with warmth and I am grateful for it. Yup, for me sun and warmth are a food for depression. I am gloomy one. Wintery and autumnal one. Type. I think…
Sooo…
I spend a lot of time at home. Hiding. I can hear a postman and hide under the table… only because of fear. Sudden panic attack. Luckily that package can be usually left or just you can go to the shop and pick it up.
But… it happens, I can not face humans.
I can always face myself.
Even if I am that crazy… but, when it comes to magick, it does not matter that I am a home witch. In fact I find much more in my garden recently, though miss old woodlands so much. I am dreaming about forests of the past. Old trees, moss, ponds and tiny meadows in the eyes of the woods.
Sooo…
Who am I now?
Conflicted for sure.
