A very private blog…

Okay, true.

It is always private. It is always me, my struggles, my discoveries, art, life, and most of all… my Island. My love, my Mother! But today, I wanted to tell you a little story. story of a Little Witch, who was raised in a first semi religious household – if you can call it a household? And then the Queen, aka Mother, decided to get crazy about Christianity. In fact, I should specific, Roman-Catholic Church. There is such cult in Poland, and it is really… oh my so nasty, thou… Little Witch was growing and was always said to please everyone. To be always nice, put another cheek and all that stuff. Others were so much more important than her, she was always told…

Always.

Forever…

Little Witch became so called adult and finally started to speak for herself. First she said she believes in trees, nature and something what she has hidden deep in her soul… nobody heard, because she was only a woman – yup, HAPPY 8TH MARCH LADIES – so she was considered stupid and lair even by the Queen. So when she only could, she run away wit this awful guilt. With this awful feeling. University helped a bit, but then, people started to use it how she was raised, and she broke, like a crystal mirror in million pieces…

She is still looking for some of them… still.

On this Island, but also growing into a weir trust to herself, that maybe she does not need them. Maybe. Yeah, she is still questioning herself, although she should figure it out, that she is fucking smart! Come on, she could read when she was 4 or 5, and taught things before kids had their first bicycles. She was walking, running away – nobody noticed that, she was admitted to school, called smart… sooo… as a – nope not taller, she is still short, but as older, she should be more confident, but nope. She still is not. She still hides. It is more like people could smell her gentle vulnerability under all those black clothes and swearing and pretending she is listening to something, with those earphones…

But the truth is she is still Little Witch, confused, and not loving herself. Because this is who you become when you let religion rule your life. And yes, of course I read all those dissertations about religion bonding people, and that its role in growing civilizations, but… love, yeah, should not love be the most important thing?

Should it?

Love yourself!

At least try it, because if not, you will be slowly destroying your own life. This life, this month, this moment, which can be the best of your life!!! Try it. Go into the woods, by the beach or into he mountains… go there if you need answers. Remember that all people know was told them by another people. You are one of them, tell yourself to speak out to yourself. Be your own teacher!!!

Because you know… more than you can imagine.

You can feel…

Senses

Senses?

Simple thing, right? We all know that we can see, smell, taste, stand up, touch, and all that stuff, but still, I decided to google it, and this came out. And now I see them more. My ability to see the world differently…

My freeknessy. LOL

But the question is… which one, if you had to, could you give away? Ability to smell the wind, snow, sea and flowers? Your loved one? Because for me smell is very important. And looking back to my classes I remember that as more primal beings, we could so much easier find a mate… And smell, oh my, I can not live without it. It is like the whole world was… suddenly empty. When I get a cold, I am so lost.

So seeing? Nope. Never. Even my weak one is important to me…

… and the touch. Oh no, never. Touching, feeling the bark under my finger, softness of the sand, grass, cold and warm, my skin, my hair… but skin means also pain and temperature. Time? Oh my, is it also a sense? Feeling it, being able to put yourself in a right time? Proprioception? OMMI… I need to stop reading those medical articles. We are able to know how our limbs are put, well, obvious, right?

Do I even use it?

So what next? Walking? I can not live without walking! Balance is so significant. Sound? Oh no, sounds… nature, winds, waves, rocks singing, birds… I need to hear them. And music. h my, nope, can not loose it.

What has left?

Taste?

Is valid. Tasty things are yummy, but yeah, with all my problems this is something what I can take away from me. In fact recently nothing tastes like it should. It started years ago and is going on… so this one I could sacrifice.

And you?

Or maybe you do have special senses? Those not common? You do feel the weather changing, eyes around your head, feeling something changing in someone, seeing more or maybe… something really unusual?

How are you?

How are you people?

I mean after this whole snow thingy… yeah it ended. Probably. Maybe? Am I sure about it? Do I want snow to go away? Am I waiting for a thaw?

Nope.

Like never!!!

Yup, I am still winter kid. It can not change. There are things which change and those which stay with you forever. Things which create you and make people, you meet after ages of not seeing each other, you have not changed… But, is it good? Or bad? Are we suppose to change all the time, or not?

See… this is why I love seasons.

Having four season is just amazing. I could never live in just a sunny part of the world. Where the sky is almost always blue, and all that stuff. But could I live far away up on the north? They still have spring and summer. Short but yes they do… But without trees, nope, I can not live with treeless world.

But… How are you? What’s new?

What’s old?

Yeah… old. March is month of my bday, so I do feel… ancient. I have no idea why there is such a huge number in front of me, hitting me almost, when I feel like kid still. When I still act like this. Oh yes, thanks Mamma Island for my Husband. The only adult able to deal with me. No worries, kids run away from me too, so… the only human being? Because dogs mostly love me to. But sometimes I think they just see me as a huge sausage. Or piece of meat ready for later…

Sooo…

How are you?

At least you have art…

Oh my, I hear it and everything inside of my mind start3ed to boil.

Such phrases so piss me off! Why? This is so easy… there is no way I am having my art (I do have it on my walls, and dreaming about someone buying it all finally), this fucking obsession got me. I have demons inside of me playing with my wobbly parts and telling me I need to write, paint etc.

It is not like I have a choice.

I mean really.

When there are stories or visions inside your head, you just got to let them fly away. You need to make place for new ones because if not you get dizzy, mental… or more like mental, all artists are not right in their heads, ask anyone!!! Sooo… you got to write them out. Put them into words, create pictures, write correctly, because you know – they keep watching you. And if they are not glad about this what you made, they can be really mad. And bite even…

Yeah, it is a bit fairy like but the truth is, that weird need to create is in you and you have nothing to say. You HAVE TO do it. There is no NO… It jumps on you, kicks your ass and makes of you a weirdo who somehow knows what to rite or paint, but in fact, can not do it… Yeah it happens too. This emptiness. This time, when you want to, but somehow can not… oh my… the worst time.

You got no idea what to do with yourself.

Art is not something you have.

Art has you!

It is a naked, fat, weird God with a huge whip who just looks at his slaves, not worshipers, slaves, and sometimes kisses their booboos. You know, he must be as those who he created, right. One of us – yeah I know it is from “I, Robot”.

PS. Did you noticed I did not mention snow… YAY, right? LOL Although it is still here, and it is amazing! I am obsessed with winter as always.

Snow, March and VHS…

There was such movie, right? I was thinking about the title for this blog, and it came to me… wait, moment for googling… LOL Oh yes “Sex, Lies and Videotape”. I do not think I ever watched it, but still good for the title. Weird title for my blog, because there will be nothing about VHSes.

But there will be snow…

Because once in my life I am trending…

SNOW!

Yeah! All those people being frighten, panicking because of a few centimeters of snow… Really, you all remind me of me? Me being a kid walking to school through the woods in a blizzard, when it was minus 20C.

Try it!

In thin pants.

And this warm feeling which was finally coming. And weird moment, when you were coming back from school, you have still a mile but you are so tired, and you just sit on a side of the road, tired, and get so sleepy…

So sleepy. Warm. So good.

I remember that moment. Do not remember how I got up and came back home. Nobody cared, so… now, my lovely, amazing Island – the one with mild climate which gets snow every few years, is again snowed. Was it my magic? Who knows? If i was, tell nobody! I wanna live for now.

Amazing now.

Of course it is snowing since Friday, and mostly it is white and grey, but the truth is, because of this wonderful light it is never dark…

We have no rough edges, we have only softness, amazing shapes, icicles and white roads… yeah, you can easily see how everything collapses here. How so rich Scandinavia is slowly turning into something not taken for, but… here is snow, it can help me stop thinking about it.

Funny thing? For Danmark first of March is a first day of spring… LOL

YAY!

PS. Yes, this is my garden, or more like a lawn. Place for birds, herbs and trees. And a windmill, and a blizzard on the field. Such a fairy-tale. My own. I can let all the mythical creatures here, all those from fairy-tales, all those from my head, which are so weird… even those from legends are a bit confused…

And yes, the hedge is green. There is also green grass under the snow.

Such climate!

Only me?

I really sometimes think I am the only one who loves snow so obsessively. And is so happy because police officially grounded us at homes.

Yup… my Island got snow.

It is not something normal because of mile climate and all that stuff. Last such snow was in 2010!!! I remember those days. Helicopters which were helping elderly people. It is an island. Some people live deep in the fields and nobody will snow off their roads. Sooo… it was hard, but they got help. Truth is, it was only few days but for a place which in fact almost never gets snow, it was something.

For me… beautiful

And now we are snowed… totally. Those photos were taken 2 days ago, since then it is snowing… and snowing and snowing. There was that moment of sun, like only a moment, but imagine it… blue and white.

White and blue. Basics, right? But so breathtaking… Used usually at school, still not always considered fashionable, but in fact everyone of us had such set on. Trust me. Even as a kid. Nothing so cute, like white blouse and blue dress or pants. LOL

Sooo… basics.

Always.

Or maybe breathtaking only for me? Very possible. And you know what? It is so okay. I love being the only one me. Different, totally not like all the world. Maybe it is not easy to not be a copy of somebody else, but I am loving it!!!

LOL

When it comes to art… I love blue, I am obsessed with blue and I am blue, so not in a position to judge. I just can not live without it! LOL

PS. Outside still snowing… I was diving in a huge pile of snow yesterday, so today some work. I mean I should work… but will I? Birds came and it is like best TV ever! How can I work when I have so many different birds in my bird-feeder? How? LOL

Just walking…

Just walking.

Sucking inspiration in.

Just being one with nature. Maybe it is windy and you look at the pile of branches as a place you wanna crawl in, but it is okay. It is normal, because it is still winter… time to rest. But we… so fucking modern, do not rest anymore, do we? We got Mr. Google who takes me adverts for: I do not know what I have done. But the truth is, I “earned” for it 600DKK in 8 years on 4 blogs, so… fuck you very much Google. I never wanted to have adverts jumping into readers eyes, just those on a side, right side… now nothing, no hope. Does it mean I can sell this space to someone?

Sell myself?

Poor people got to start to think. Not only be happy in the woods, because suddenly you come out from them and want roof over your head, books and food, so… you need those fucking money.

I mean really… so you go out and it is sunny, amazing, winter came back to my Island and everything is white… okay, maybe not everything, you still got to look for snow, but it is a progress!!! You find it, you swim in it, it is bright…

And then… suddenly this happens.

Big petals, but also something looking like a soft hail! Very soft, so cute, like an army of small snowmen hitting you. So maybe it was not so sweet, but I loved it! Maybe I am also 666 shades of Witch, but still, I loved it!

So fucking loved it!!!

And mild version… on a movie.

Just click!!!

See this green. Oh my, it smelled fantastic!!! So normal and natural.

And then, after few minutes… or maybe some more time, maybe in fact wonderful eternity, the sun came back and blue sky appeared and everything was so impossible, so like: this could not happen…

And then, when we were in our car… again snowstorm!!!

Do not breath!!!

Really…

Do not breath. Try to be something made of glass, fragile like them…

And do not breath.

This is the only way to let them be, alive…

The only way.

And even if you slowly pass down, you know, they are still here. For a moment maybe, but you are not the one who destroyed them. LOL

For me winter is the most precious time of year.

Creation made by this season are so complicated, so natural, so… like photos of spring, summer and autumn all together. And recently winter is such a time, which is not given me. Like I was the only one not worth it.

Well… such climate.

I know – an island, right?

But recently weather went below zero, so… I have hopes and great expectations and wuthering heights even. LOL Pride and prejudice too!!!

And even more… boobs!!! LOL

Okay, boobs.

I am so over people obsessed with them. Suddenly nipples are such an abomination. And those are only boobs.

Boring boobs!!!

Looking at photos of African ladies just feeding kids and making dinner… almost totally naked – oh come one, it is hot there! – and then reading about “saint ladies” of some christian church which are gathering BRAS for them! I am done. I thought I was done when the internet started to put those blurry pixels on nipples. Only female ones of course – guys, you should protest, it means your nipples are worst. Oh my, because they are so sinful… wait, will look at mine and check, nope, no Satan stick to them, nope. So I do not think they do have him there. But a kid, for sure. And you wanna put bras on them? Why? To make Africa saint? Or what? Or maybe you feel something… something you do not wanna even think about, that you wish to just unzip, unpin, open yourself and swim with boobs naked… come on ladies…

Just boobs, just nipples…

Nothing more…

… parts which can feed babies. Which in fact are so… oh my, painful sometimes, and suck sometimes. Which I dreamed to cut off as a kid, because of others touching me and myself developing too fast, so fast…

Then there was that lady painting with boobs, and I though it is all I can deal with… of course jealous I did not try it, could sell more paintings… I bet! Oh my, why I did not think about it? LOL Maybe because even with my big boobs, I could not just do it. I mean squeeze them, and cover in paint, no way!!!

But why boobs? Because recently I just totally do not get it. What is wrong with nipples? Why they are so sexual? It is just some skin, darker… in fact nasty. Yuck! Okay, I was not breastfed so maybe it is me, weird kid talking, but really… why they are pixeled everywhere? Those are only boobs.

Fat, and weird stuff inside, milk… Geee!!!

So… have my boring, brush painted paintings. LOL No boobs included. Although I paint lying down, so maybe, who knows…

“In flowers” – … memories of that smell, petals, softness, buzzing, colors, just memories brighten up grey days, memories…

Breathtaking.

“Flowery” – … even I get sometimes in this weird mood, you know, funky and colorful… even I…

Oh my, what is going on with me? LOL

“Flowery 2”

“Flowery 3”

Some new paintings…

Painting dreams, visions, or so called everyday… this is me. I am never sue what will appear on canvas. Trust me! Never. Just hoping it will be something I love, something what speaks to me, or just make me smile…

Something…

These piece are small, calm, smiley, they are waiting, maybe for you…

“Waiting” – … there comes this time, when people are over winter. There comes this time – not for me – when people miss flowers, colors and warm weather. There comes this time, especially vibrating in February, when you are waiting… maybe?

Magic included!

“Waiting 3” – … there comes this time, when people are over winter. There comes this time – not for me – when people miss flowers, colors and warm weather. There comes this time, especially vibrating in February, when you are waiting… maybe? You are waiting, but everything is still covered with snow… sparkling in the sun.

Are you still waiting?

Having hope?

“Waiting 2” – … there comes this time, especially vibrating in February, when you are waiting for changes… maybe? You are waiting, but everything is still covered with snow and mist… Depression can hit you, but suddenly the sky brightens up…

Are you still waiting?

Having hope?

“Bornholm” – … sometimes it is all what I see. Really. Only those colors. Especially when I am leaving my Island, like she was into making me feel guilty because I am leaving her. Even if for few hours, even if for few days.

Yup, she can do it.