And new year?

As a person hating clocks, calendars and all that stuff, for the worst day, for me, I claim The New Year’s Eve!

I hate it.

Hate it!!!

HATE IT!!!

For everything in fact.

For being pushed into unwanted fun and of course for loud noises, and drunken people and people at all… and… did I mentioned people? 

See…

I love living on my Smaller End of The World, where nobody cares what I am wearing. I hope… because today morning was crazy. I was chopping onions and potatoes for simple creamy soup, when I noticed it… A SUNRISE!!! A nice one, maybe even first such since long long long time!!!

So I had to.

And had no time to wash myself, put on bra and all that stuff, and… yeah, just in my baggy pants and hoodie with huge holes, I picked up my camera and run. Almost forgot about keys, did not forget about making “fire” under my soup to be smaller… but the rest was not important. Oh my I blew it, because I THOUGHT my spare batteries were in my bag but forgot I took them out to check if they are loaded…

And…

I saw a heart on the sky, all those lights, colors… everything.

Still… my battery died just in a middle of everything, what pissed me off, but still, I saw it. For the first time since ever. Okay, long long long time. I made it. Had golden ad blue, shady and bright only form myself. Of course that was cold when I was lying on wet stones, but still… I made it! I got it.

It is all mine!!!

It was…

Oh yes, I started from hate, ended with love. Not bad, right… still hating New Year’s Eve. Do I really hate fun? I think so. Fun in that weird definition of loud noises, drunken morons driving in the walls behind which a little girl was sleeping… She managed to crawl out from the ruins of the house. On this Island we called it Jul Miracle. Sooo… I hate this kind of fun. For me fun must involve nature or bed.

LOL

PS. Hate fireworks and balloons too… I am scared of them!!! Like a dog.

Have it or not!

All those amazing wishes on social media. All those photos, all those… well, visions: why it is not me? Why I can not have it?

Why?

But do you really need it? Or maybe it is only something you wanna suit to? You wanna be like them? Or maybe?

Exactly…

… how is it with all those holidays? Most of them are pagan. Totally. Now when science is the biggest of religions, they are more fun and being with whose who you love. Nothing wrong with that, right? Or maybe for you it is wrong, because of your religion? As someone who was forced to be a Catholic, oh yeah, that was a nightmare… not only before Christmas, but also Easter and even Fridays. Yeah, my so called mother had those few years – before I could move out and be free – when she yelled at me, a child, for jumping and being happy only because it was… FRIDAY!

Yes.

Cool, right?

Blessing.

So this is why for me holidays start earlier, the most important day is 21st, but still it is not a MUST. For me trying to be as happy… well nope, less sad is a better word describing this who I am – is the most important thing. Now when around a church, well I get dizzy, I get hot, and I could swear… I feel one short Witch burning.

Me.

This is why we have the tree, gifts, and in fact everything we want. No must around holidays. Taking a nap, resting, having time for together. Sending gifts, but not in fact gathering with so called family… Why? Because it is painful. Is it why in the eyes of so many I am a monster? Maybe… at least a monster not taking so many drugs!

YAY!!

So please… do not try too hard to be a part of a tradition which makes you sad, depressed and anxious. You can make your own traditions. It is easy. See, people before us created them, we can create some more.

Or erase those existing.

PS. I am aware those things are obvious. But looking at posts and reading few messages made me to write it. Be Elsa! And Let it go!!! During this time I send a lot of mail. I love it. You know, snailmail. Somehow it is so much more real. So much more… human like. But seeing those who got nothing makes me so sad. Makes me want… makes me be that fat guy in a red suit, who gives something to everyone. Really…

Merry and Bright?

Well, hard to think about merry and bright, when my Island is hit by another strong storm. Waves are up to over 3 meters… everything sounds so spooky, and inside of me is this weird uncalm feeling. I hate it… lovely tree does not help. Even the gifts which I can open whenever I want..

Well… I was asking for snow, got wind and rain. Of course I know I can not fight with nature, so I take what it gives me, but… I need snow!!! I need frosty vibes and icicles. I need an army of snowmen!!!

I need it all!!!

Well… all I got for Christmas are winds – this sounds awesome, right? LOL Especially when you think about brussels sprouts. LOL Oh well, today I will be a perfect wife and clan up the house, cook something and not be naughty. Or maybe just a little bit? Tiny? Just because I can? Because I can, right?

Winds…

You can really got crazy because of them, so Merry Christmas to all, and to all Good Night, because here it is a time to think about a nice, windy, deep and dark night! And windy. So… it may mean that my sleeping will not be so calm and so merry.

Oh well! The truth is I do not feel the spirit of this time. Somehow nope. Not even a bit. And it sucks when you are waiting for December all year long!!!

Really sucks!!!

Merry Yule!

Merry Yule Everybody!!!

Have it jumping, funny, smiling, have it as you want it. Although me… I will miss the darkness. Saying good bye to those lovey dark mornings makes me sad. Yeah, I know, only me, right? Again only me?

But I love the darkness.

I love cold. I love… things which are not loved by most of you, because someone has to, right? Or I am just weird enough to say it is for me? I feel better with it? Am I the only one telling the truth?

Yule is the truth. It shows your true being, true you, who you are and how you deal with life. It strips you from those fancy clothes and ideas, thoughts put there by others and… is just pure, amazing real thing.

But can you hold this what is real? Can you?

Because the truth is… we need darkness. We need this time. To rest. To think where is this all going, and to let go. We need it, so use it, until it changes into sunny madness!!! Use the darkness Luke! I mean The Force hidden behind it!!! Use it! LOL

Have funny Yule everybody. Just smile! Even everything sucks. Dance, even if you are aware of all that shit dancing with you!!!

Joy and family

Well… recently I am so not joyful.

I am not.

Yeah… evil me, right?

I should be. I must! I should be shopping, be a part of this madness of cleaning, cooking, partying, eating…

Evil me.

But my mind is so far away from happiness now. Sorry. Few thing ruined a month I love the most. The Mighty December. Ad it is not the weather, I love it even foggy and wet, in fact foggy can be so cool for photos… and I love cold, waiting for snow makes me anxious and thrilled, even when I know possibility of having it is so tiny as my salary, which is now… well zero. So… I am not happy. But the truth is I rarely am happy. It is like with friendship. Happiness and friendship and love are those BIG words which for me have strict definitions, so…

Am I at least glad?

Well, I do no know. See, people so complicated like me, so crazy or only sick, are unable to suit into those feelings. Into those descriptions. And into family dinners. Yeah, that was suppose to be a main subject of this talk… joy and family.

I am that evil person who likes to be alone, or only with my Husband, who in fact cuts veins, when is supposed to have dinner by the table with so called family. For me it was never a joyful experience. In fact it was always something so stressful, so weird, so unnatural… so YOU MUST because what the world will think about it. Here is the BIG SECRET. The world does not care about your fancy dinner, diets, and all that stuff. If you feel good with people you love, be with them, if you do not… well, here comes the hard part. It is like with having children – better to say that you can not have them than to say: I do not want to have one, I do not feel I can raise a human being, a good one being, give him or her good genes and home. Yup, blame a disease. People get it. They will pat your back and leave you alone with cute words like: adoption, aunts are good too etc… Oh, and do not say you hate cats too! It is the worst thing you can say, especially in the internet. I mean really. Do not talk about removing balls of furrbabies and all that stuff, I mean really, honestly. If you wanna survive family Christmas, do not ever!!! IT IS THE BIGGEST SIN EVER now. Unforgivable. They may kill you for saying it…

I should put here LOL but I am too scared.

Yup.

Soooo… why I am writing about it?

Because some people in fact like their own company. They can have fun with themselves – oh this sounds naughty, right LOL – now I can LOL – even those older people. Like my Grandma. In fact She taught me that… how to be alone, and still we could be together. I have it from her. This is a part of myself, so strong, so visible… so hard to get for most of people.

Think… I am an archaeologist and an artist… I like dead people. They talk, but company is less touchable! LOL I must be weird, or just sick. Choose your option, I am learning not to care about it what you choose.

Let everyone have holidays as they want it. Do not push. Or if you are so desperate, just be gentle, try something, but do not make them scared because if so, they will run away! I always recommend post. Old-fashioned one, snail mail. It is perfect, although some people get mad when got cards… they feel obligated to send them back and they hate it, so, be careful too. Hard is this world, right?

Really hard…

PS. Now let me open my parcels from my AMAZING, LOVELY AND ONE AND ONLY FRIENDS which I got mostly on line… Love you all and thank you for being and not touching me! Yup. Weird to say, still, thank you!!! <3 And yes, I love to send post. I do it not only around this time, I try to do as often as possible because it is fun, for me and I hope for them too. LOL

Just breath…

“Just breath… sometimes it is all you can do.

Just breath, no matter what is happening, you are you.

Just breath… in and out.

Sometimes it is all you need, sometimes.

Blink, this is another step.

Good job, now just think, but not ahead.

Just dream.

Just jump into fantasy world.

They will get you there,

they will cuddle,

will give you more.

And breath. Do not forget about it.

Breath… it is a huge matter.” Ch. Jones

This is what I can do now.

Only… or so much?

I do not know… but for now, I can breath and jump into my imagination. I have the whole world in my head. Only mine. And I am not sharing, because sometimes there are things which you should have only for yourself. You can have there everything, and you can daydream too.

Try it!!!

But keep it for yourself.

Only!!!

Remember it.

I was fired…

So yes…

Maybe I was biting more than I could chew, but it is me. And when you deal with depression and all that stuff which they wanted to diagnose me with, but I run away… work is the best thing. Work too much, do not think. I always must be 100% everything. Maybe too crazy about all that perfectionist status, but still… well, it was also needed because you have to have a job, right?

You have to.

I mean a regularly payed one. Semi regularly.

I have always been a reader. For me TV is so much less interesting than a good book. Than my imagination, so when internet started, and a new possibility came out, I grabbed it. Me an archaeologist, then working in a field, less sick, also started to write reviews for different publishing houses and… somehow I bounded with one over “someteen” years ago, and… this is how it started. I gave them my words, my ideas, and also for 5 years… or even more took care of their Facebook account.

And this was my payed work.

So I could start my PhD, I could follow my two passions. Archaeology and books. I could do both… and art. Of course. But, as usual, because it is me… I gave this work all my heart, soul, and thoughts. I always work full. I need everything to be clean, perfect, and… now things I created, which are my kids somehow, are not under my control anymore… I know, everyone goes for it, but who in fact talks about it?

About tears, disappointment.

About this weird feeling… and finally FEAR hitting you. Fear of no money. This fear is the worst struggle. Figuring out, that you are so no one, because nobody pays you for work. It has no matter that you are busy, tired, and have a lot to do… only money counts. Fuck, how sad it is. But we are no longer in times when everyone had at least a piece of ground, so could be sure that there is some food if you take care of it. Nope. The truth is this world seems to only need stupid sellers, those not caring, and those creating commercials, and that is all…

Sad world.

And I am the worst seller ever.

Yeah… another piece of me proofing that I am not made for this world. Fuck, I am a looser. Geee… my depression and anxiety grew so big since two days ago when they informed me about it. They are here, sitting, drinking fat cocoa on a very fat milk, knowing I can not have it, and smile. Eating chocolates. Oh yes, they are having fun…

PS. Do not give me that sentence: one doors close another opens… it never happened too me. Banging closed doors, yeah, that was regular.

Discover me

There are things and places which you can rediscover many times, there are those which touched you so much, that you do not wanna come back there, to not ruin memories. You just can not… And there are places where you keep coming back again and again and again… and sometimes you know why, and sometimes you do not know it. There is only this feeling of “I must”.

And suddenly there are those place which you discover for the first time. Many of them… is this a reason people travel? Is it really? Is it the same with artists? Us… screaming: discover me!

See me!!!

Notice me!!!

Or maybe there is something more?

Those who do not wanna be noticed, although need food too… they got to sell something, but they prefer to hide, like me. So ashamed, even guilty when someone discovers them, so blushed when someone says something nice.

The worst judges of their own art.

But today… a place.

This time I came back to the one which splashes. Where waves jump and dissolve into millions of drops. Maybe you have to wait, stand here on the end of the concrete ground for hours to get a good shot, but it is addicting. You d it until your hands and knees hurt, because you need to be in this weird position… but you do it. I do it. Because I am, I must be mental, right? Most of people use photoshop.

Why I got to freeze out my fingers, and ass?

To discover more… to show myself that I can? To see it again or for a first time, because every photo is different. Every one of them.

PS> Remember all my photos are for sale (paypal and you get a print, which you can print, or make a phone case of it or a tapestry even, a pillow maybe? You can find them on y four blogs or Facebook pages. FineArt… and my paintings are for sale too, check my shop – tell me your price if you love something! Bigger pieces can be much cheaper!!! I need place on my walls)

Silent Night in Copenhagen…

Okay, it was not silent. It was quick, hurry, it was… something we try to do every year, to see lights, to just be a part of all that what a lot of you call: commercialism. I bet you would miss it if you lost it.

Except police, guns, all those things which were there to protect people… except the feeling of fear, when you figure out why those big concrete blocks are here… it is Jul.

So here we have colors, trees, and of course Scandinavian Christmas.

Jul!!!

Simple stuff. Some arty, some breathtaking, some… too expensive.

Simple markets, like everywhere… and art.

And even unusual advent calendars. If you google the name of this hotel you will get info and movies about windows.

And fairy-tales everywhere… and lights.

Horses and polar bears, because why not?

We can have them all together, right? Oh and fake snow… well…

And much much much more, walking the main shopping street… I needed this. Just because. Somehow a piece of me needs lights, huge Jul trees and those decorations. And it would be so cool without fear and all those people. Can I turn them off? Is it evil of me, that I do not like living people? That fun is for me nature, woods, seaside, rocks… so why I need this? I can not afford those things, but still…

And after few hours I am done.

I need my quiet Island. I need Her so much!!! But the problem is the journey. Oh my, here that was wobbly, and it will be wobbly going back. Grey weather, wind and rain… yeah… We are on the sea. So I will have to survive it, right?

I will have too!!!

PS> Remember all my photos are for sale (paypal and you get a print, which you can print, or make a phone case of it or a tapestry even, a pillow maybe? FineArt… and my paintings are for sale too, check my shop – tell me your price if you love something! Bigger pieces can be much cheaper!!! I need place on my walls)

Arty art again

Because I do.

I call it art.

Maybe funny one, maybe sometimes kitschy, maybe…

But art.

Welcome to Simrishamn, Sweden. Small, touristic town, perfect for quiet vacation… I always call it a forgotten part of my Island, because it looks so like home, like Bornholm. Small homes, cottages, sea… oh well, we had VERY SCARY wobbly journey here, so sorry, needed a walk, and we found those beauties.

Simple, complicated, sweet…

And then…

Next and another one.

When you have homes made of brick, stone and wood, those paintings are so eye catching. Are so smiling to you.

And this peace and quiet. Maybe it was grey and rainy, but still so calm. Big tree on a market, people selling fresh veggies and decorations, and of course the tree. And little tres. I bet it looks lovely when it is dark, but…

I am in a hurry!!!

Oh come on, really!!!