And…

And sometimes you can not even move.

Physically and mentally.

You just can not.

Do not even think about future, past is too heavy sitting on your arms, surrounding your head like an evil, thick fog. Like something you never were aware of but was here and there always. Was… and will be. It is a part of you. You know that but you learn how to live with it. Or maybe even hope that you changed it…

Somehow…

But nope, it attacks you when you think everything is okay.

It attacks even when you have no answer…

… hits with anxiety and makes you feel, and sometimes even look like a vegetable. I look like white, round cabbage. Truly… and yes, I am trying now to say it somehow more lightly, somehow…

And then something “good” happens and you somehow almost fly over the ground… and then, it straightness. Why? WTF! You wanted it, you prepared yourself, you were ready… and nope. Boots on your feet but you know you will not go out. Nope, not now, not maybe ever… just no.

Sooo… you do everything to minimize it…

And you fail again.

People say that neurodiversity is… well, maybe listen to Eb, he gets it, I still do not. I have since… well always, but in the past I was just a weird kid, artistic, confused when someone took her books, focused on science… and always scared.

Still am.

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