2020

I mean… yeah, this year runs fast…

Soooo fast.

And to be honest, it keeps us busy. Yeah, maybe closed, but still busy. It brings and brings and throws and hits and…

And I mean… REALLY? WTF?

Half a year is gone and people are on vacations. Crowding, being there and here, like nothing has happened… like nothing was happening still. I mean really? What is wrong with you all? Keep distance, move away from me!

No touching!

Is fear gone in masses?

Is it this?

Or maybe it is only me, as usual? Shiiiit… sucks to be me. Me responsible, me trying not to hurt feelings, oh bugger of! Feel hurt if you want to, I stop caring. Really. Because if you do not care, why should I?

Why?

Oh yes, my mind… always feeling responsible and guilty. For everything. For everyone. This is shit. Shit to be someone smart, using that tissue to create, to rethink, to move from experiment to another one…

I mean really?

2020 for me, for now is a year of pain but also pain in different walls. I have home. A beautiful home, maybe not furnished but who cares. I have home. And I still feel weird that I can come in here and just stay. And paint walls. And pee in a bathroom I call mine… with a window to a setting sun.

Yeah, you can pee, poop and sunbath too…

Soooo… home. It will be a year this month and… Last year was lost. Huge lost. It is still painful it is still… crying, hurting, it is still in me, but one thing I am sure is… living in a Mold House would kill us. We are still healing, and to be honest we will never truly be trusty when it comes to cute cottages etc. Never ever… but now, a year after… all I can say, I still do not believe it, that I have home and some garden and my trees found finally place and… to be honest, living in this pandemic time somewhere else… nope. Awful. Not for me. This place is somehow…

There is a feeling, that I have always lived here.

Still…

Soooo 2020… it is hard again. 2019 was hitting hard, but this year at least smells better inside. LOL

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