First… new home.
That was something we were hoping for but not expecting to happen.
Then I got 4 more holes in my ears, because… I needed them, to write down my story, to have pain for my own, to just be and…
Now… I feel that I am changing.
The worst thing is… I hate changes!
I mean really.
Although I know they got to happen. I need them, my body and mind need them too… got to finally stop doing things others want and be myself always, not only when there is none around. Smile, be polite… but walk away.
And not to care… because I can not care about the whole world.
Plant trees… because finally I can… and still be pissed off others cutting them. Because it is not like: let others live as they want to… it does not work anymore. If others litter, have tones of kids and cut off trees it kills my air.
So what about my freedom to breath?
Turn of internet.
Because it is too often stress and nothing more to me…
I will not stop being scared because this is how my brain works… but I can just walk away. I can teach myself to do it.
But most of all accepting this how I am… crazy, weird, different. This is me. This will not change, sorry. You can go. I can not from myself, and letting myself be myself is so fucking important. Maybe finally… nope, it is not like I will loose my guilt, this awful feeling, or will suddenly get some kind of self confidence… nope, not going to happen and you know what – I am changing me looking at it. I accept it. My Asperger, anxiety, depression, autism… whatever you all smart heads wanna call it… I call it an artistic brain. I call it being Homo sapiens sapiens!
And describe the world scientifically and arty as I see it or as my dissertation leads me to… my own experiments and excavations.
Because I have a fucking brain… huge and heavy! LOL
It includes swearing! Really. I have noticed that swearing – in few languages – is my shield. Like my earphones. Works. Or talking to myself or singing… or finally wanting things. I start to want things. After loosing all my books I want them back and I will get them! But if I decided do threw something away, I will do it too. Because, I am over others weird laws. I mean those “internet laws” you know.
Not the law law…
Changes… I am so not gonna survive it, but at least I have 30 holes in my ears. Oh wait, 32… 2 by nature LOL