When there is only noting…

Nothing.

Not even darkness, black dog or however you call it. When all those regulations and rituals fail, are not enough, when even pills are not strong enough, but you are smart enough what new pills can do with you…

When everything collapses, you are still jobless, and your own project, your love, is something what nobody cares about. And it is okay, but not okay for people you know, who wants only the results not the fun of discovering something, the process of researching, looking for answers…

When you are unable to go out even with your own Husband who is really amazing and buys you a troll and the most beautiful piece of labradorith…

You are still in this place where there is that sign “The End” and it is on. Because it is the only thing I can always do it. The only thing which was making me alive. However weird it sounds. When you struggle with anxiety, depression, memories of the past still hitting you. Love self esteem, in fact don’t full yourself, there is no self anything in me. I do not believe in myself. My art is for sale and nobody wants it, so it means it is lousy and I so wanna burn it everything but it is drought so I can not. I have no 5000 DKK to pay for it, and I am too smart to know that it would easily burn half of my Island, at least… but I want to destroy most of them so much.

Forever…

I am in the lowest point and still digging, covered with tones of mud and trash, and others dreams which I should be a part of. And of course others thoughts which somehow strikes me even through internet. Because humans are evil.

It will never change…

And nope, it is not calling for help… it is my life. Because when you live with all that mess for you whole life, you can decided… to let it go, or to accept it. I chose the second way, and decided it is a part of me. But it is so hard to get someone who gets it. Even those who struggles with the same, even artists and scientists… they should know better, but the truth is, you can easily hear: just smile, and go for a walk, what pisses me off. Exercises! Fuck! I do it 5 days a week!

Internet changed everyone in doctors, coaches and all that stuff of people who are always ready to say something but never listen or… read. Read and understand what they are reading…

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