Go out

I mean…

Why it is so hard but also so easy? Why I can find twenty jobs to do, but also just put pants and boots on and leave it everything. Will I have more to do when I come back? Probably. But I will do it anyway…

When you have depression and anxiety since like forever, you can do 3 things: try to accept it, fight and live, go to a doctor and fill up with drugs or… end it. I decided for option number 1 with third one always on my mind. I can do it always. Tried all those drugs, pills, talking was never an option. It went bad… What always works is accepting it and telling lies because people always ask why you are so scared unable to get it that there is no reason. I just got to not open my doors and stay under my table.

Hide…

Why I do not feel it in the woods? Of course I will jump up when I hear a noise or hide if I see human, but still… nature is logical.

Not stupid.

Humans are the opposite.

Woods, rocks, wilderness is friendly even when it bites. But sometimes I can not… just put on my boots, stop thinking about work and just go out. I can not. Something stops me. I can fight, but also, maybe I can just accept it, that I am unable of doing it? Because I am old enough and live with myself for long enough to know when I can not go out. When more exercises, work and staying home is better for me.

Because the only thing is to listen to yourself and to learn yourself. Not fighting. Maybe I do not love myself, but a least I know that I am the best fun for me and also am the worst nightmare. Really. But fighting for woods, rocks and all this wilderness is important. So if you are more “normal”… go out. Look at this spring, leaves, flowers… find out what their names are because we forgot them, touch them, smell them, admire them, cuddle the bark. Kiss standing rocks. Leave TV and internet alone.

It will be here when you are back.

I promise…

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