In training…

It is not my New Year’s resolution.

In fact I hate those. If you wanna do something start now, not when the whole world tells you you should… in fact I started it months ago, and still going. Or more like… still alive. Sorry me. See… I decided to go into bed in fat at exactly hour and up very early. So I get only about 6 hours of sleep for 5 days a week, an weekends when I can sleep as much as the light lets me.

It is useful for my depression and anxiety, it is another order in this messy world, but… I a tired. Sick and out of powers. Still, I have so many ideas and stories in my heads… but no power to make them alive. So how is it? Can I have only one of those things? Ideas or paintings? Stories or written books? Thesis or created PhD? How to sort if out? How to make it okay?

I do not know.

All I know is… the light outside is finally properly wintery, cold and frosty. We still have no snow what makes me so sad, but still… Another thing to ruin my calmness. But maybe I should not be calm? Maybe I should put my anger out. Create a golem from it and let it scream, yell, and kick somebody’s ass? Because why not? I am so too old to be a nice girl! Forget it! Fuck it!

Training… yup, I am so in and on!!! I will fuck up as always, but I got to keep trying, right? Everyone should. Or stop if you really do not want it. Because the truth is we all are different. Totally. And some of us eat apples whole, some with no skin on, some leave only that tiny part, some eat them all… let us all be the kind we wanna be. It may be safer for you, because if you squeeze us, we will finally blow out!

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