If you are squeamish, please do not read it. I mean really. I am, and I am not into reading it, just writing, nothing more…


I am bombarded with all those “amazing news” about girls finding their power by freebleeding. By not wearing anything to just soak nicely, to feel better… I was even informed, that I am too old to get it, this special freedom, so listen to my story. It will be painful, disgusting and of course sad…

Because I have many sad stories…

Pain started when I was 8 years old. None believed me. They all thought that I am just a weirdo, lying and all that stuff. When I was 9 it started, pain grew and throwing up was a monthly thing. Yup, I had a typical birthing pains including all those nasty, you know… pooping and all that stuff. Because my so called mother did not believe me, she never had painful menstruation, so I had no painkillers, and… I was hiding my “secret” for quit long time, but finally it came out, and… there was in fact – ages ago – nothing to put there, so you had to create those nasty things from toilet paper and cotton. I hated it. But the pain… pain was the worst. We were living in the woods those days, so I remember once I felt it was starting, I run away from school, luckily for me there was a bus, so I had only 2 kilometers to walk home… and of course I was crying and yelling from pain, but in the woods you can do it. It was a nice, snowy cold winter, so I figured out I can do one thing to remove pain… sit with my naked butt in the snow, and I done it. It was reliving… and the redness on the snow was one of my best paintings!

I was in this pain until I went to the uni and figured out how to get painkillers. Still, I remember days, when I was hiding in a bathroom, throwing up for hours and lying on a floor. I did not care about germs… pain was killing every piece of me. I felt a lesser person, I in fact felt like a wounded animal, not good enough to be eaten.

And you know what doctors say to girls in that age throwing up their insides? Well, they say: give er a boy, it will be okay after she has a baby!!! Woman just have it, it is normal… Nope, there is nothing normal in it! Fuck you male doctors, and female too! You made my growing up a perfect hell.

After painkillers everything changed and I discovered tampons and my life changed hugely! Finally no nasty smell, no feeling like someone who can say nothing about herself, about her body. Finally… this thing I hated the most, became… thing I hated the most but could live with it. So now, when you tell me, that freebleeding gives me freedom, I wanna smack your face. Tell it to that girl who knew nothing, who could do nothing to just hide it, who was not ready for it… who wanted to be a kid forever.

PS. Oh yes, the best thing I heard about menstruation from a guy was: she should hold it in, I do not pee in my pants. Sorry, but I blame mothers for it. For those stupid guys! You made them so. You created them this way! You failed!!! You should teach them it is normal, it is mostly painful and sucks… but you did not. And you know what? You still do not! You just show that blood like some kind of weird ornament… you male us ladies look stinky and dirty. I know we can be stinky and dirty, but we have brains and we wash up our bodies! Just because we are… ladies. Do not push young girls to call it freedom to bleed. They can to nothing about it… except sex and pregnancy, and still it is not sure that you will not bleed during one.

And painting with blood or excrement? Oh My Mother Island! It is so passe!!! Been there, never done that, not interested! And you know what the most annoying thing about this whole freebleeding is… older ladies saying about the red flower, opening to the ground and all that shit. Really? REALLY? Are you kidding me? Okay, maybe I just do not get my sex, maybe… but I am okay with it!

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