Hope

Sorry, but I hate hope. I mean really. Hate thins feeling… but from the other side, can not live without it, right? Got to see something in that fucking tunnel. Just have to. Because if not, I will stay here, in this darkness…

Forever.

But still… I prefer to see everything in dark, grey shades. Before something happens I wanna see all nastiest, worst endings. All disasters able to happen. Even dragons, end of the world, cyborgs coming, zombies… I wanna imagine it and keep it inside of me, and then… have a nice surprise.

That it was not THAT BAD!!!

So sorry, but I hate hope.

Shit, why the heck I am sorry for that? I even stopped believing in karma. Because I look around, and nasty people have good, fulfilled lives, and those good ones go to jails for bread, so… no hope, you are not for me, but still, you are here, aren’t you? You are always here. Somehow you are only pain and disappointment, but still… you are here!!! Why? Why the heck I can not move you out from my life?!!

PS. Hope, I know you will come here… it is not about you LOL

The value

Old piece of paper with a first drawing of a child.

Piece of a shirt, a box of matches, a simple pendant, cheap and old. A receive, piece od sea-wood, a stone… dried rose.

Maybe a book, a notebook, a pen, some pencils, old bear with no ear and eye… a painting, gold frame, heavy, big ring with a precious stone. A wooden frame, old and white painted with a photo which is already damaged. Or Santa… with a broken arm. A plastic bear, in fact there was a light inside of him, but now he is empty, still, is here. Or maybe just a necklace. A candle. Untouched, a bag, paper bag still weirdly dirty, smelly… with a piece of sprinkle on?

How weird?

A leaf, dried petals between sheets of paper, empty perfume bottle. Does it still smell? No… but you do remember, don’t you?

For someone they can have the same value for different persons. Different souls. For others they are trash, or something they can sell, and… have their own memories. Because in fact those things, which we sometimes cherish so much are only containers for memories, for thoughts, pictures, for dreams…

But when it comes to art… you never know how many hours someone spend on painting, creating, having visions, sketching… Art is the most complicated being to be valued. To be priced. It is just too hard because even if you can count hours, and paint, brushes, canvas, still, how much is for a soul, piece of me? Because for me art always should contain a piece of the artist. And if it is OOAK, really special piece… You can get it for free, even if an artists have spend hours creating it, just because, artists are special. Even if poor and clumsy, they steal can give you themselves for free…

Sooo… about the value… It is just complicated.

November

Leaves are almost gone.

My Island became so much more windy, but still it gives us sun from time to time. Perfect time to take photos, because the light is just precious! Amazing and one and only. Stunning. Clear and so glassy like. Or crystal like?

Imagine a clear crystal and look thru it…

Can you sea waves, deep blue with hints of amber and most of all… emerald. Liquid one. So impossible. So visible. Or maybe I am only just imagining it? Maybe it everything around is too impossible to be? Silence. Almost no humans. Just me and the seaside. Me and the woods.

Perfection.

Although cold when wind is included. Wind can remove your skin and change you into a red monster.  Just November. Maybe we did not have a lovely sunny autumn, but we will get a nice, cold and snowy winter?

Maybe?

I am waking up very early every morning waiting for a perfect sunrise, but… not for now. Maybe I will get one. Maybe? For now waiting for little julemarkets. For my Island to be festive for a moment. Yes, I know it is November still, but here we somehow do everything earlier to just then, and December just go to sleep. And dream. Dream about something, someone, or maybe dream out this world?

Maybe?

I will not have a big tree and lots of gifts. I will not have this what I am dreaming about, but maybe at least this what I am scared off will not happen? I can not afford so much, and all I am dreaming about is making others smile. Friend, artists selling their pieces… I suck! I mean, I really do. But this is how it is. Will write down hundred of cars now… and hope they will get there where they should…

Maybe?

Because I am not of those cooking and sitting behind the table, waiting for food… I am waiting for Santa, miracles and all that stuff. I am a lost case, right? LOL

To buy or not to buy…

Exactly.

To buy or not to buy. So many adverts, commercials. So many people standing, waiting for a stupid Iphone something every time there is a new one, what in fact is very often, right? So often. I am not one of them. I am the boring one without a phone and TV, still… does it mean I hate gifts? Sorry but nope. I love gifts. Songs ca say: I do not care about the presents and snow, but me… I do care.

No diamonds.

No fancy gifts maybe.

No gold… but something fluffy, something cute and sweet and postcards with tiny pieces. I can be obsessed by a tiny sock someone made for me. I have it since 2013 hanging as a part of a spell – protecting my home. I have postcards for years. I wish to say forever, but some of them were lost during us moving very often, so I can not…

But I am one of those keeping gifts.

Those special one. Or weird even. An angel with twisted arms and not matching eyes or a sheep, a pendant, stones, figurines… loving things which matter. But sometimes only a moment counts when you get something. That feeling… and then you let go the things connected to this moment. You just put them away or maybe even pass them. Because for someone they can be again important. You can get bored with things… you can get bored with boring people. Sorry, we are only humans, right? Most of us is not even saints. Or maybe none is?

Recently I am obsessed with this guy… yeah this is HOW CRAZY I can be. LOL Or just funny. But the truth is… I can not just go, pass an artists showing his work and buy nothing. Even if I can afford only a card or a tiny piece, I will buy it. Maybe not for me, maybe for someone else… but I will.

So… buy or not buy this Jul?

It is all up to you!!!

PS. Why am I writing about it? Because… I saw an advert: buy nothing this Christmas. And okay. You can have fun with nothing… I remember this fun. A child from that other side of the wall being happy of nuts and a tree, making dolls from paper. I had it. Nothing… now I want to have at least something. Let me be happy with this. With this what you had always have. Get it..

One motive

One motive, one color. No worries if you fall in love in leaves and all you do is painting them, sculpting or taking photos… it is normal. One of artist from my Island Oluf Høst was obsessed with a barn. That was a problem in my humble opinion. Of course I get it. He wanted to show changes, seasons, one place… and then a huge fire when everything went too hot, but still…

A barn?

Seriously?

Toilets… yes, we had it i art. Not mentioning humans, eyes, vaginas… oh yes, we are sometimes so in love with one thing. One motive or color. I am obsessed with prussian blue. Can not live without it!!! LOL

There is nothing wrong with obsession. Artistically one. Unless you are Hannibal Lecter, so there is a problem but for your objects, truly not for you, right? LOL So no killing, we are now talking only about boring painting, photos, sculpting, crocheting… and all that stuff. Although crocheting can be dangerous too. Hard to say anything now. Really. The outside is so lovely and misty, and has a bit of sun, I could go out, but my migraine says” no way. I think for this one time I will listen to my head.

No reflections for me today, no photos… sometimes it is also good to just leave it, and even if your fingers itch… do not take photos! Leave that brush! Look for something new… look for something new maybe in something old, or come back to the good and old. Art is totally free, you can do everything… although Dexter… Yeah. Why I can not stop thinking about serial killers, A lot of them also called themselves artists. Sometimes I think my Island could be a perfect one for one of them hiding here… See, I read too much, write too much and think too much!!!

Okay… bye. LOL

PS. Christmas is coming, so… sorry, but yes, I am repeating myself, but. All my photos are for sale. From all my blogs and Facebook (IBornholm, Kobaltowa Wrona, Miś Śnież) pages. They are all 150DKK each, and you print it as you want. Think how unique gift you can make for someone you love or hate! Hate can be also showed in a gift. LOL Really!!! And I will not lie that I do not need gifts under my tree. I do I do I do!!! LOL

Of course my paintings are also for sale, and remember, you give me your price, do not look what is written there! Just make me a proposition, naughty even… I will probably agree! I always do! LOL check my shop.

Leaves…

The sound.

The smell.

Those colors…

I love them. I bet there are bugs and pieces of mus between them, I do not care. They are like snow. They are autumnal petal s which you can play with…

But this smell.

Oh my, so rich, so candylike. Crunchy even, I could swear i saw some chocolate chips, I could smell them… just listen. Goose included!!! Just were flying by. Near my old ruins, early medieval, everything close and so far way from everything. Amazing place… my amazing Island.

But… leaves…

Oh, this sound, so primal, normal, regular, so mine only. I bet everyone’s steps sound the same, but still, this is my own music. My own fun, just for free. Maybe a bit too wet this year, because this regular autumn, sunny and full of colors was taken from us, but still… I found some spots. Some leaves, some colors. Had to. I can not live without changing seasons. Really… Paradise islands not for me. But in fact, since when paradise is only sun and blue sea and sand? It is boring and got sharks!!!

Not for me.

But leaves… you can dry them, make jewellery from them, just use ceramic, liquid resin. You can keep it forever, or get it, and let it go. Really. Because it is what autumn is all about. Having fun, colors, and then letting them go, to transform. As we should. Still working on it. I hate changes  but… we need them. At least some of them.

So play with leaves… and then let them come back to soil, to make things grow.

Us too!!!

Jellyfish

One jellyfish, two, three… dozen.

A funeral.

Quiet ceremony, where the sand is just softly wet, and all the seaweeds sing quietly. Just by the sea, by this line, where the waters are still present, but not wavy. Calm, but waiting, to lead them for the last rest.

I am scared of them while they are in the sea with me together. Somehow… oh, of course those Baltic babies are not stinging but still, they look so like fake boobs and it scares me!!! Just wakes up some kind of primal fear in me… still now, looking at them slowly coming back to the waters after all this journey when almost dead or dead they were rushing to the beach…

But now, I feel weird sadness.

Guilt even.

Because now they are so vulnerable. So eager to touch each other, to be together, to in fact create almost a carpet… Beautiful. So much inspiration in… death. Because they are dead. But also they are a promise for some new one scaring me next summer. So, for the first time in my life I pat one of them.

Added few petals, mumble some prayers…

Because…

Bye amazing creatures. Because my fear does not make you ugly in my eyes. I always find so much beauty in you. In this how you catch the light and hold it in you, how you swim, and how… you die. Together. You are beautiful. Even now when are changed into were… almost.

I wanna try…

I want to try so many things!!!

All those amazing scented candles available only abroad… and advent calendars with crazy stuff inside like LEGO, make up or tea… oh yes, tea could be fun. I never had a regular advent calendar, only those very cheap with nasty chocolate inside. I do not like them. They are weird. Who eats a piece of chocolate every morning? If I am in need, I eat a whole bar and it is done, so…

Yeah…

I have done so many things you probably never did. I know how to kill and prepare a chicken. Yeah, nasty stuff but I can do it in a cold and hot way. I smells awful that way, but still… I can do it. I saw eggs inside of a chicken. Still with a soft cover. I can create a trench, and properly clean it up.

Obsessively.

I can do weird things.

Put my legs, while sitting behind my neck. Yeah. I can cook amazing chicken soup, not that I love eating it, but I can do it. I can hate food and obsessively want it, I can throw up everything perfectly… I can also care too much. I always care too much. I can also run away, I can…

But there is still so may things I wanna touch, smell, feel, have fun with, see or only dream about. Yes, I want to dream… and play with silver clay and maybe better lens. And to read. I wanna try new, I wanna keep with old which is trusted and safe.

I just want…

It will never end. Learning. I wanna learn the language of Navajo, touch every marked rock in Sweden, I just want. And wanting is good.  I want old and new and this what in fact stands between times. Simple. I do not want to stop.

Stopping is dying.

Walking and walking…

I am so often like… people do it.

Just try it.

It can not be so difficult if most of human beings can do it…

You know…

Resting.

Taking a nap, having comfy time, just doing NOTHING!!! Come on woman, I bet you do not need PhD to do it. What is wrong with staying longer in your bed when you can? When you need it. When you are tired and sleepy… but to think it over, I go out and walk… and walk and walk… more.

I also have some virus or something more magical, I hope, snotty and feverish… but still. Somewhere in a middle after few hours I am always like: I should start going back, but… what for? Why? So I go.

And the magic of nature steps beside me.

She is chatty!!! Only few cars, because this time of year my Island is only autumn and few of us who live here. It seems so. I mean really. You can feel lonely and it is… surprisingly good. You do not have to show off, beg for likes and subs, be this person of interest. Just walk… nothing less, and taking photos. And then walk more. Somewhere I will have a break down, feel tired, but it passes, so I go, and then suddenly darkness touches me because I forgot that now around 4 p.m. it i getting really dark even if the day was sunny and semi warm…

But I still walk until everything calms down. Only few windows with light, in fact it is like… I am the only person in this world. And somehow it does not scare me. Nope. Sorry. It is not bad. Not bad at all… and then my anxiety hits and I need my Knight! Yeah, I am a Witch with a Knight. One and only…

And another day comes, I promise myself no walking today, I need a lot of work to do, and… so I go….

Bye.

PS. Remember about my crazy YouTube LOL And INSTAGRAM!!! If you need some fun!!! More LOL

PS. Remember all photos are for sale, those on Facebook IBornholm and Kobaltowa Wrona too 🙂 Paypal (150DKK), mail and you can print is as you want 🙂 Whatever size you want. So please… buy them, do not steal them. Bigger size is better LOL And I am a poor artist. Crazy poor… And of course I am not talking about photos of my face. You are not so crazy to want it, right? LOL

And if you can not, at least please click on those commercials, that is money for me. For more writing, creating, and mostly for my research about Bronze Age symbolism of a hjulkors. Cross in a circle… LOL I promised myself that I will not do it, but now I am struggling, really. And I do not have sponsors I do not promote anyone because they paid me for it. If I like it, if I believe in it, if it is truth, I write about it, that is all. Nobody pays me for it.

Smaller is better?

It is a lovely morning. The sky is half blue half white and grayish. It is quiet, calm and so wild… There are woods so close, but also a road, few cottages and fields. And everything is still so green. I mean really. But I will not write about autumn today. Nope, I will ask a one big question.

Huge even…

Is smaller better?

What do I mean?

Well…

You do know what TLDR means. You all know how short can be “movies” on YouTube, and still called interesting? Does the size matter? Or maybe… I really do not get this world anymore? I mean really? If I am listening to someone, I want it to last long. I love long movies, although I do know that the balance is important in everything. Writing, painting, in every face art has. Still. I do not get why now people read only a phrase. Few word from an article and they think it is enough? Or maybe there is so many information, that we can not do it different?

Maybe? Maybe we have problems with concentration on everything. Staying in touch with one piece for longer time? Maybe now we need too many changes, all the time… and I hate changes!!! I do not get them. I am still amazed by the wheel and toilet!!! Yeah, I know you know that. LOL

Few years ago newspapers and all those internet stars started to create small descriptions of everything. Even big articles, huge, posh news have those shortcuts. Those “about” on the top, because people do not read longer. Because they know that the whole article is too much. WTF? Are we o dumb? Or they wanna make us to look so? Because myself loves fat books. Short, novels, make me anxious. Really. Scared even. It can not be enough to make me happy. Scared or in love.

No way.

I need more. I need bigger and longer. Fatter…

Still… as a short person, I love being small. Maybe not tiny, but truly able to hide. So how is it? I mean really? I remember my Grandma reading a newspaper. From the first word to the last. Everything. Same with books. Same with everything. Doing everything from the start to the end… maybe we can not do it this way anymore?

Maybe we lost something? We so run to the end, that we miss The Mighty Middle!!! Which could be everything.

Sill when it comes to myself, smaller is better.

Smaller me is better.

LOL But to paintings… oh my, huge canvas are just amazing!!! Huge brushes, fat brushes, just big!!! I like big!!!

And to be clear… yeah, I am one of those inpatient people who need everything now. But I know it is impossible, and in fact it is not healthy. Sometimes waiting is good. It enriches you, or sometimes just pisses you off. And you are done. So yes, sometimes I peek at the end of the book. Guilty!!! Oh my, I am so embarrassing, right? And there is that thing… if I do not get it right now, sometimes I come back home and figure it out – I do not want it, I do not need it… sooo… Maybe it is all about the time?

Do we have enough of it, or too much? Are we wasting it?

Or it is just TLDR?

PS. Remember about my crazy YouTube LOL And INSTAGRAM!!! If you need some fun!!! More LOL

PS. Remember all photos are for sale, those on Facebook IBornholm and Kobaltowa Wrona too 🙂 Paypal (150DKK), mail and you can print is as you want 🙂 Whatever size you want. So please… buy them, do not steal them. Bigger size is better LOL And I am a poor artist. Crazy poor… And of course I am not talking about photos of my face. You are not so crazy to want it, right? LOL

And if you can not, at least please click on those commercials, that is money for me. For more writing, creating, and mostly for my research about Bronze Age symbolism of a hjulkors. Cross in a circle… LOL I promised myself that I will not do it, but now I am struggling, really. And I do not have sponsors I do not promote anyone because they paid me for it. If I like it, if I believe in it, if it is truth, I write about it, that is all. Nobody pays me for it.