I got stars…

No worries, I did not hit my head or had too much wobble juice as my friends call it… I have them over my head.

When I look around I see small cottages and greenery. Fields still empty, but most of them is green. Ready to bloom. And trees blooming and bushes. And the sea of course. This is what I see everyday.

But this time of year, well, there is something more!

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In a windy night I see all those stars, I see them, I wave to them and I feel so naked when they watch me. I mean really, think about it, about all childish stories, which were describing boys on moons or star people. Don’t you feel creepy from time to time. What if our imagination is able to create our fears… Okay, I am not talking more about it, now to the poop!!!

Oh yes!!!

Because this time of year my Island sadly smells often like shit. Okay, I will be precise… like guano and manure and dung… you know, natural fertilizer! But still, it smells. I got no idea why, but I do not remember such scent from my childhood, and I was at farms in my young days. Maybe because it was dried first, maybe because it was differently redeposited? I got no idea, but remember, this time of year we smell like salty sea, blooming trees and bushes, fishy a bit and manure…

All naturell!!! LOL

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ASMR

Okay, as a kid we had this crazy play, that someone was touching your back and was making different sounds and different moves to touch you only with fingers, or only with nails, or only gently touch your neck… and you was starting to feel good, relaxed, in fucking heaven and when was it ending, oh my, you wanted it never to be end.

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Or when someone was combing your hair, or just touching your head, the feeling was the same. After ages I found out they call it ASMR. Autonomous sensory meridian response, just goosebumps? Or more like millions of ants tickling you somewhere around your throat. At least it is like with me. It may make you really speechless, because it is so simple… all you need is another person.

All you need is a human’s touch.

Gently or harder.

But…

Yeah ASMR is also on youtube. And it works too. Watching someone touching someones head is like thrilling. Or just listening to all those calming sounds. When it comes to me… Baba is my fav ever. I do not have to watch him, all I need are sounds. He is the only one who does not make me pissed off saying: relax!

Really LOL!!!

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Living…

Living on an Island is awesome.

I mean really!

I do recommend it to everyone with huge anxieties and all those who really like to have less humans around and more nature, but… of course we heave THE SEASON. It started. Of course it means all those weird new people coming to my places and looking at me, and others of us who live here all year long.

And we are quite special.

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To say it nice, people living on islands are special. Mostly artists, crazy maybe, maybe even mental… I am one of them, so… I got to tell you something: remember we do not care about fashion. We wear things which are close, or which are appropriate if you paint, watch birds, r take photos in weird places. We do not care about brands, and sorry most of us is… poor. Sorry. We do not care about fancy bags, and sweaters. And we often wear all those clothes which you choose while painting the ceiling or fishing.

My Island taught me that clothes are not important, swimming naked is awesome, and watching a lovely pair of elder people having fun in waves is THE BEST THING EVER! They are just natural. Normal. So… exactly in place. Your gold fancy watch is not in place. Having a roof over your head is the most important, and of course being aware of nature. And only this what is inside counts. Really! Because in this wind everything dries outside so quickly, even poop. LOL So be careful. And watch the sky, because on islands you can see the sky. And stars… because we mostly do not have high buildings. Cool, right? Although Manhattan is also an island, so… you do know I am talking about islands islands, not those weird creations!

So who of you live on an island? Who plans to move?

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Beauty…

“Beauty is when you can appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, that’s when you’re most beautiful.” Zoe Kravitz

“The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.” Audrey Hepburn
“Although beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, the feeling of being beautiful exists solely in the mind of the beheld.” Martha Beck
“The beauty of the world, which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.” Virginia Woolf
“The beauty of the world, which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.” Virginia Woolf
There is so many quotes.
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So many of those much smarter than me said it correctly, so many tried to tell us something, so many… and still, those who live today think beauty is only young, fresh and photoshopped. Trust me. When you end 30, you are old. I get no idea how this modern world figured it out, but I already heard that. And I do not get it… because for me the most beautiful thing, no, I can not say it so… the biggest beauty I have seen was my Grandmother growing older, her wrinkles were so soft, her mind was blowing my young brain, and her actions… and her eyes, shape of the face – a perfect beauty!!! And yes, she was old!!! Very old, she died 2 years later.
But I still have this photo.
The perfect beauty…
In fact I think she said it perfectly: “The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.” Audrey Hepburn
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Virginity

Oh yes… right.

Nope, not that virginity, or maybe exactly this one? I do not know, but when I am standing under a blooming tree, I feel so clean. So ready to get married. And when those fragile petals slowly slip on me, I feel somehow blessed. Like I was at the mess or something like it… meeting someone saint.

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Yup, watching blooming white fruit trees – mostly those small plums – which smell fantastic, I feel like I was walking on a sacred ground. Or more like floating above it. Because they are so fantastic. Looking like brides ready to be married to their love ones. Perfect matches… but there is i fact only a moment when they bloom. In fact they start to bloom, and suddenly it ends, you just got to stand under this tree to catch a good photo for a whole day, because sometimes, especially on my windy Island, this happens like it… just in a moment. A moment of virginity. I mean this perfect spring virginity. Which never fade. Which in fact will change into fruits, but still…

Be always only virginity. Innocence. Perfect, white, untouched…

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And what if grooms never get ready on time? What if they stop for too long watching other trees, or be amazed by spring… what if…

What if… oh my it gets so sad now!

But this is what those trees make me to think about!

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Wet Monday

Well, in Christian culture, okay in Catholic one… in Middle Europe Monday after Easter is a wet one. Totally pagan, but who cares. Or more, try to tell someone, that this what they are doing is totally wild and BC, I do not recommend it. But. This Monday, today, is a wet one. The main thing is to wet girls. Virgins, those who are just a step from marriage… you know, young, beautiful and free…

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Of course adults try to have this fun too, but it is not the same, and not the same when it is freaking cold too. Still… I remember being wet, in fact having weird desire to get wet, to even have this whole bucket of cold water put on my head… Yeah, fun is a weird thing. Fun has a long and very fat definition. For some this is fun, for others it is not. Simple. So how to be sure one fun is good for another person? You got to get to know one. Will I get wet today? I did, I peed in the woods and it was windy, so yeah… my fun are woods. Standing stones, archaeology, reading and art.

And maybe snow globes… and bears. And crows, yup, as one of them, I love them totally and watching them is fun. Water on a cold day, not since I have someone to love! LOL

PS. If you wanna ready about śmigus-dyngus or Lany Poniedziałek, check the internet! Of course it is not as it used to be. Fertility, and all that magic is not that important, but still it is a custom…

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Happy Easter

This is one of my secrets.

I hate Easter.

I do not get it, it is sad for me and depressing and in fact I have problems with pussy-willows. Yes, as a kid I put them into my ears, and it was traumatic… none to help a few year old kid, then a nasty doctor… really traumatic. But as a kid raised in Poland, of course there was only one religion…

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And I still do not get it.

How?

I mean really?

A zombie?

No offense, but look at it? The whole grave thing, all those proofs, that HE was really dead. And then up and human again? Really? But okay. I am a nasty kid of darkness winter and all that stuff, but still… or maybe it is only this, that I do not get huge gatherings, dinners by the table and talks… I like eggs, but who has time to really make them precious, and sorry, they are pagan thing.Same with all that green stuff and water on Monday.

I really has no idea why I hate this time so much. Maybe that trauma of a kid who was forced to go to a church which was dark and gloomy and scary, like sitting in an open grave with a body… made of plastic or ceramic. Sorry, but still everything connected with this whole Easter… scares me. So let me just avoid it…

PS. To those who celebrate: Happy Easter, God Påske!

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Silence

I can not work without it, I can not live without it. Weird, right? Especially in this world which is blimping, singing, playing all around. People even have phones by their beds! I mean really! Why?

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When I work I like to listen to old movies. You know, just have them in a background somewhere, and when in the woods I have birds, wind and bugs, and sometimes earphones to pretend I am so busy when someone is walking by. Of course, those are sounds but also… this is my silence.

Or maybe not?

Is it silence or not?

I hate loud music, blimping things, I have everything turned off on my laptop, I do not have clocks, phones… I try to control every sound. But nature is the one I can not control… still this is the one which do not bothers me. Strong winds hitting my roof. Okay. Rain playing serenades on my windows, perfection! Cars and bikes, nope. I live on a small hill when rarely a car is passing by. Where I have crows and seagulls, which can be very loud, but still they are my silence.

Silence?

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Freebleeding

If you are squeamish, please do not read it. I mean really. I am, and I am not into reading it, just writing, nothing more…

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I am bombarded with all those “amazing news” about girls finding their power by freebleeding. By not wearing anything to just soak nicely, to feel better… I was even informed, that I am too old to get it, this special freedom, so listen to my story. It will be painful, disgusting and of course sad…

Because I have many sad stories…

Pain started when I was 8 years old. None believed me. They all thought that I am just a weirdo, lying and all that stuff. When I was 9 it started, pain grew and throwing up was a monthly thing. Yup, I had a typical birthing pains including all those nasty, you know… pooping and all that stuff. Because my so called mother did not believe me, she never had painful menstruation, so I had no painkillers, and… I was hiding my “secret” for quit long time, but finally it came out, and… there was in fact – ages ago – nothing to put there, so you had to create those nasty things from toilet paper and cotton. I hated it. But the pain… pain was the worst. We were living in the woods those days, so I remember once I felt it was starting, I run away from school, luckily for me there was a bus, so I had only 2 kilometers to walk home… and of course I was crying and yelling from pain, but in the woods you can do it. It was a nice, snowy cold winter, so I figured out I can do one thing to remove pain… sit with my naked butt in the snow, and I done it. It was reliving… and the redness on the snow was one of my best paintings!

I was in this pain until I went to the uni and figured out how to get painkillers. Still, I remember days, when I was hiding in a bathroom, throwing up for hours and lying on a floor. I did not care about germs… pain was killing every piece of me. I felt a lesser person, I in fact felt like a wounded animal, not good enough to be eaten.

And you know what doctors say to girls in that age throwing up their insides? Well, they say: give er a boy, it will be okay after she has a baby!!! Woman just have it, it is normal… Nope, there is nothing normal in it! Fuck you male doctors, and female too! You made my growing up a perfect hell.

After painkillers everything changed and I discovered tampons and my life changed hugely! Finally no nasty smell, no feeling like someone who can say nothing about herself, about her body. Finally… this thing I hated the most, became… thing I hated the most but could live with it. So now, when you tell me, that freebleeding gives me freedom, I wanna smack your face. Tell it to that girl who knew nothing, who could do nothing to just hide it, who was not ready for it… who wanted to be a kid forever.

PS. Oh yes, the best thing I heard about menstruation from a guy was: she should hold it in, I do not pee in my pants. Sorry, but I blame mothers for it. For those stupid guys! You made them so. You created them this way! You failed!!! You should teach them it is normal, it is mostly painful and sucks… but you did not. And you know what? You still do not! You just show that blood like some kind of weird ornament… you male us ladies look stinky and dirty. I know we can be stinky and dirty, but we have brains and we wash up our bodies! Just because we are… ladies. Do not push young girls to call it freedom to bleed. They can to nothing about it… except sex and pregnancy, and still it is not sure that you will not bleed during one.

And painting with blood or excrement? Oh My Mother Island! It is so passe!!! Been there, never done that, not interested! And you know what the most annoying thing about this whole freebleeding is… older ladies saying about the red flower, opening to the ground and all that shit. Really? REALLY? Are you kidding me? Okay, maybe I just do not get my sex, maybe… but I am okay with it!

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Coming back

Sometimes I hate going back.

Just hate it.

There are places I do not want to see one more time in my life. In fact if I could forget about them, that could be refreshing, but I can not… sooo I just do not come back. Do not take a step back. Of course, sometimes you just do not have a choice.

You got to do it. I had to once. This was a nightmare, but I survived… and after few months was able to take next step, and another…

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But sometimes…

Oh, sometimes it is good to be back. Back with forgotten colors, back to see how something changed even if it makes you scared… and now, be back into spots on my Island where special flowers bloom. And I come back to them just to feel this special joy because of simple flowers. Blooming tree and branches. And the sea… such huge amount of sea. Waters and waves, all shades of blue and silver.

Sometimes it is okay to come back.

And sometimes you can not come back… to Grandma’s cakes, soups. Simplicity. To her arms. Sometimes life sucks really.

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