In the woods

Woods of my Island are still filled with ice and icicles, amazing sculptures of frozen water, which are slowly dripping… getting smaller and smaller…

Here and there patches of snow, because here none touched them with salt. None destroyed them except nature. You can find birds lovely tracks and prints of some smaller mammals and bigger ones. Yes, snow always shows everything so perfectly. Here we have yellow snow, and you know what they say about yellow snow. LOL Okay, in fact it always annoys me, hearing about it every winter is so pissing me off.

Yup, spring came.

But it is still so lovely calm and not hot, so I will be happy about it. Touching every last patch of snow and saying good bye. Kissing winter for a whole year, or maybe… maybe only for in fact eight, nine months? Who knows? We do not have a proper winter here, so all this white time was a fucking paradise for me.

And all those leaves… still here, like small teachers, which are helping the trees to remember how to make them again. So fragile, such a little sculptures. And lace sometimes. Like old ladies, smart enough to only observe, and say nothing, just smile, because… they know. They have been here so may times in this place and time, that they can say nothing… because nothing is sometimes everything.

Woods are awesome.


Oh my… all I hear around are people moaning: it is cold we want spring, snow is still here, h not again minus 5C. And I am like… oh get a grip or I sneeze on you! And believe me I can now like a fucking canon. Grow up! It is called winter and sadly is ending… slowly. As grateful I am that we had it – really grateful, because I was not even hoping for full week of snow and cold. 

And now I am happy, I saw it, had it, played with it.

Now… you can have your spring.

Snowbells, crocuses, winter aconites are here… the grass is as always green – yeah weird stuff, but this is how it is here. Moss and mild weather makes us always have grass. Good thing for animals, right. Crazy if suddenly during warm winter you start to think: should I mow my lawn?

So yeah, I am happy because we had some snow and cold weather. Am I happy about the spring… oh my, as a weirdo… NOPE. I have no idea why, but nope. I hate the heat. I like winds, cold and grey weather even. Mostly I love strong sun and totally, frosty whiteness, but spring, somehow… I do not get it.

I never did.

People waiting for spring, so sure that change in weather can change something in their lives… oh my, it is again that hope from New Year’s Eve which I hate so much. If you need a change, if you want it, are ready for it… do it. Do not wait. Do not talk about it, do not spill it all over social media, just get up and do it! Be your own fucking spring! Just because it is you who decides about you life. If you are an adult, if you are growing up… start think by yourself. Stop reading those stupid memes about happiness. Even fucking Cinderella get up and jumped into that pumpkin carriage. Yuck! She knew what it was, imagine that. And rats… oh my!!! She could stay at home.

But she did not… took her chance and milked it. You are not poor Persephone who had no choice. see being a god or a goddess is not always good. Sucks often… often truly very much. LOL

I’m sick…


Although in a regular definition I am in fact never normally healthy, still now… I am one confused, wobbly, snotty, coughing, miserable piece of something sometimes called a human being.

Oh my.

Have not been so sick in… like in ages. I mean really. We have all those new viruses and in fact my body starts to be very welcoming for them. Like I had a huge sign yelling: come here all tho who feel lonely, needing a home. Come here and fulfill your dreams!!! Come, and be welcomed!!!

I mean really!

Okay, maybe I am a bit drama queen now, but who can stop me? Come on, I will sneeze on him! And done! Show me someone who is not scared of all those modern illnesses. Come one! Who wanna be in pain, snotty and so out of gravity… I mean really. It is like… I feel like left alone even by gravity.

The problem?

Well, a regular person would stay in bed and sleep, I can not. I need to work. I am unable, disabled even when it comes to giving time only for myself. Everything must be for more, for others, for something bigger than me. For some project, for science, for my delusional weirdness. I mean really. Try to be me for few hours, I doubt you could deal with a day like me, and would not recommend a night. LOL So here I am… working, and snotting on my laptop… thinking if the germs disappear from my canvas and paper work on which I sneezed. How do you think? LOL

Not in the right world, or dimension…

I mean really.

I do sometimes feel so… like not in the right, correct world, or at least the dimension I should be living in. I mean really. Watched “The Circle” yesterday and I still can not believe it. And nope, I am not talking even about the privacy which we all have right too… we post photos on Facebook but still, we are the one deciding what will we post. If something is not in the net…

You are safe.

Until a photographer, paparazzi or a stalker catches you… but it is another story. What moved to to my hills, the speech by main roles, weird dialog. Talking about disabled kid who can live only thanks to videos posted by people. And that EVERYONE should d it for him, because if not you are just a piece of shit.

Yeah… this is our modern world.

If something is wrong, we take out disabled from the pockets or those poor. Fuck you, I am mentally disabled and poor, and what? Do I wanna watch other people’s lives? All the time? Nope. I have mine. Do I wanna see the photos… I love them, I take them, but… sometimes it is so much better to listen to a human being, to read something written, see something painted. Photos… are inadequate. They do not show us feeling, only trying look good to the camera or… trying to catch the best angle. For likes? Or money… Yes, all my photos are still for sale, and you can find them on Facebook and all my blogs, but you know it. In fact much more me is in my paintings – yup, also for sale. Feelings for sale. Kind of like a prostitute. Awful thought, but maybe… true a bit.

Still, what I wanted to say – movie was awful, uneven and weird in so many places, that I do not wanna describe it, so predictable, such “Devil wears Prada” but with worst acting – is, that we have so many emotions, feelings and ways to show the off, that we too often forget to use them. Touching someone. Calling a poor guy nicely, even if you do not have money for him, only a bun… he was so thankful for just a short talk. For calling him a darling. Apologizing, that you can not do more.

Do we really live in such world of closed work communities. Is it our future. Just feeling each other? Watching only, always watching, enable to close our eyes… only watching and sending sad faces to evil governments?

I am in a wrong world.


How do you feel when darkness comes?

How is it for you?

Do you, like me, love candles and in fact can watch fire for hours? This amazing dance, shadows, those colors, vibrations…

Sooo… how is it, when this soft dark matter comes and covers everything around you? Oh yes, I forgot, sorry, most of you live in places where there is no darkness. No deep, black or dark blue, greenish even, soft covering called the night time. Most of you see some light all the time. From billboards, signs, all that stuff… In the city you do not have the darkness. Or maybe it only hides?

In corners?

Are you the one who is looking for it?

Are you?

Or maybe you are scared of darkness… darkness and silence, when you can hear only your own breath and heart beating, and all those thoughts… oh my, scary thing, isn’t it? Doesn’t it scare you? Is it why people light up so many lights, put on TV, radio, music, everything together? I do it… but not when darkness comes. Nope. This soft touch, this hiding, those cuddles… this is one and only. This is something what so many of us lost… and will never get back.

Darkness… light. Such simple, primal things… can we live without them, or only exist? How is it?


Sometimes… sometimes it happens. Sometimes even I get it, surprised. So surprised. Like stunned! I am sad. Me, who is usually scared, depressed, suddenly get this weird sadness. Very weird one.

Nothing happened, nothing in fact matters, I should be happy or neutral at least, I got my pills but still, I am sad. So weirdly, deeply sad. Not depressed, because it is something totally different, but just sad. Everything is okay, or something good has happened and how I react? With sadness! I really sometimes think we women are crazy. Asked my husband, he never got that. For him there always got to be a reason. He can feel under weather but sadness, that paralyzing sadness seems to be so feminine.

Do you ever get it?

What is weird, when I feel it, my paintings get all those happy colors.

Like I was trying to change myself, to do it in every way, to change it instead of accepting it. Because nowadays you can not be sad. You can be depressed, it is fancy – weird thing, and here I mean being ill, something what I struggle with since I was a kid. But sad. Oh my, how can you be sad… never, you got your imagination, you can not be sad… Yeah, someone told me that! Someone dare to tell me that!!!

Forgetting, that this is my mind the one who made me sad first.

Or hormones.

Or both.

Do you ever get sad for no reason? Do you? Does it happen, and you can not in fact explain WHY?

Does it? And… do you feel guilty because of this feeling?

A very private blog…

Okay, true.

It is always private. It is always me, my struggles, my discoveries, art, life, and most of all… my Island. My love, my Mother! But today, I wanted to tell you a little story. story of a Little Witch, who was raised in a first semi religious household – if you can call it a household? And then the Queen, aka Mother, decided to get crazy about Christianity. In fact, I should specific, Roman-Catholic Church. There is such cult in Poland, and it is really… oh my so nasty, thou… Little Witch was growing and was always said to please everyone. To be always nice, put another cheek and all that stuff. Others were so much more important than her, she was always told…



Little Witch became so called adult and finally started to speak for herself. First she said she believes in trees, nature and something what she has hidden deep in her soul… nobody heard, because she was only a woman – yup, HAPPY 8TH MARCH LADIES – so she was considered stupid and lair even by the Queen. So when she only could, she run away wit this awful guilt. With this awful feeling. University helped a bit, but then, people started to use it how she was raised, and she broke, like a crystal mirror in million pieces…

She is still looking for some of them… still.

On this Island, but also growing into a weir trust to herself, that maybe she does not need them. Maybe. Yeah, she is still questioning herself, although she should figure it out, that she is fucking smart! Come on, she could read when she was 4 or 5, and taught things before kids had their first bicycles. She was walking, running away – nobody noticed that, she was admitted to school, called smart… sooo… as a – nope not taller, she is still short, but as older, she should be more confident, but nope. She still is not. She still hides. It is more like people could smell her gentle vulnerability under all those black clothes and swearing and pretending she is listening to something, with those earphones…

But the truth is she is still Little Witch, confused, and not loving herself. Because this is who you become when you let religion rule your life. And yes, of course I read all those dissertations about religion bonding people, and that its role in growing civilizations, but… love, yeah, should not love be the most important thing?

Should it?

Love yourself!

At least try it, because if not, you will be slowly destroying your own life. This life, this month, this moment, which can be the best of your life!!! Try it. Go into the woods, by the beach or into he mountains… go there if you need answers. Remember that all people know was told them by another people. You are one of them, tell yourself to speak out to yourself. Be your own teacher!!!

Because you know… more than you can imagine.

You can feel…



Simple thing, right? We all know that we can see, smell, taste, stand up, touch, and all that stuff, but still, I decided to google it, and this came out. And now I see them more. My ability to see the world differently…

My freeknessy. LOL

But the question is… which one, if you had to, could you give away? Ability to smell the wind, snow, sea and flowers? Your loved one? Because for me smell is very important. And looking back to my classes I remember that as more primal beings, we could so much easier find a mate… And smell, oh my, I can not live without it. It is like the whole world was… suddenly empty. When I get a cold, I am so lost.

So seeing? Nope. Never. Even my weak one is important to me…

… and the touch. Oh no, never. Touching, feeling the bark under my finger, softness of the sand, grass, cold and warm, my skin, my hair… but skin means also pain and temperature. Time? Oh my, is it also a sense? Feeling it, being able to put yourself in a right time? Proprioception? OMMI… I need to stop reading those medical articles. We are able to know how our limbs are put, well, obvious, right?

Do I even use it?

So what next? Walking? I can not live without walking! Balance is so significant. Sound? Oh no, sounds… nature, winds, waves, rocks singing, birds… I need to hear them. And music. h my, nope, can not loose it.

What has left?


Is valid. Tasty things are yummy, but yeah, with all my problems this is something what I can take away from me. In fact recently nothing tastes like it should. It started years ago and is going on… so this one I could sacrifice.

And you?

Or maybe you do have special senses? Those not common? You do feel the weather changing, eyes around your head, feeling something changing in someone, seeing more or maybe… something really unusual?

How are you?

How are you people?

I mean after this whole snow thingy… yeah it ended. Probably. Maybe? Am I sure about it? Do I want snow to go away? Am I waiting for a thaw?


Like never!!!

Yup, I am still winter kid. It can not change. There are things which change and those which stay with you forever. Things which create you and make people, you meet after ages of not seeing each other, you have not changed… But, is it good? Or bad? Are we suppose to change all the time, or not?

See… this is why I love seasons.

Having four season is just amazing. I could never live in just a sunny part of the world. Where the sky is almost always blue, and all that stuff. But could I live far away up on the north? They still have spring and summer. Short but yes they do… But without trees, nope, I can not live with treeless world.

But… How are you? What’s new?

What’s old?

Yeah… old. March is month of my bday, so I do feel… ancient. I have no idea why there is such a huge number in front of me, hitting me almost, when I feel like kid still. When I still act like this. Oh yes, thanks Mamma Island for my Husband. The only adult able to deal with me. No worries, kids run away from me too, so… the only human being? Because dogs mostly love me to. But sometimes I think they just see me as a huge sausage. Or piece of meat ready for later…


How are you?

At least you have art…

Oh my, I hear it and everything inside of my mind start3ed to boil.

Such phrases so piss me off! Why? This is so easy… there is no way I am having my art (I do have it on my walls, and dreaming about someone buying it all finally), this fucking obsession got me. I have demons inside of me playing with my wobbly parts and telling me I need to write, paint etc.

It is not like I have a choice.

I mean really.

When there are stories or visions inside your head, you just got to let them fly away. You need to make place for new ones because if not you get dizzy, mental… or more like mental, all artists are not right in their heads, ask anyone!!! Sooo… you got to write them out. Put them into words, create pictures, write correctly, because you know – they keep watching you. And if they are not glad about this what you made, they can be really mad. And bite even…

Yeah, it is a bit fairy like but the truth is, that weird need to create is in you and you have nothing to say. You HAVE TO do it. There is no NO… It jumps on you, kicks your ass and makes of you a weirdo who somehow knows what to rite or paint, but in fact, can not do it… Yeah it happens too. This emptiness. This time, when you want to, but somehow can not… oh my… the worst time.

You got no idea what to do with yourself.

Art is not something you have.

Art has you!

It is a naked, fat, weird God with a huge whip who just looks at his slaves, not worshipers, slaves, and sometimes kisses their booboos. You know, he must be as those who he created, right. One of us – yeah I know it is from “I, Robot”.

PS. Did you noticed I did not mention snow… YAY, right? LOL Although it is still here, and it is amazing! I am obsessed with winter as always.