Havgus

Weird thing…

Fog and in fact not a fog… being of weird cold, easily touching a steamy day. I mean this is so weird. I can see the sea, can touch it – cold – but still I can not see the horizon. All I see are colors melting together. I zoom my camera and colors disappear, I come back to normal length and it is like it is, or maybe not? Blue, dark blue, grey… and red and white… I can hear ships but can not see them. I feel colors, but in fact my eyes do not recognize them. Everything is somehow melted, no lines, no borders…

I love it!!!

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Havgus, the weird foggy being, which in fact may be from another planet!!!

I love to watch havgus when it just bulldoze over the fields. Green fields, those which will bring some wheat. Or something like that. It is just one of the most amazing shows ever! Huge balls of fog, cold and frosty, wintery even, just dancing, moving, jumping. There is no physics in it, they seem to have their own mind… alien maybe?

Havgus melts colors amazingly. Touches them, learns how to be them, and creates something new… unforgettable. And is cold, I love cold, right? LOL And in fact this is one of those pieces of nature, which I feel really into. Wild, not so common, more like special, really twisting my soul, touching all those pieces of me which want to create.

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I do not, really…

I do not like olives. Okay i in fact hate olive oil!!! Can not stand it and basil. For me yuck. Growing is lovely, of course I have some in my garden, but eating… tried, was yucky. An olives or frutti di mare. I remember when someone gave me a very precious jar of some weird, looking like penis like warms stuff… Do not remind me. I tried to watch my friends eating this, huge favor!

Could not stand it.

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And coffee. I know it is for everybody and everybody drinks it, especially here on my island. OMI it is everywhere and I… hate it! I feel so weird telling someone alive, not writing it only, that nope, I can not, they do not believe me! ALWAYS!!!

And I thought that maybe weird, but still I am rather ordinary! Me so ordinary? I just read that many people first paint, then change brushes into cameras… me so ordinary? Maybe I am partly ordinary? Maybe some pieces of my being are just usual? Like fingers, or paws, wait, feet maybe, okay. And… but then they start to talk to me, and suddenly it may not be so regular. Normal…

Or lying on the beach… yuck!!! Or going on a trip around the world… nope thank you! Yup, I am weird!

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Adults?

There is no such thing like adults. There are only boring human beings. I mean really, just look. We are born as kids, and we are kids for quite long… at least 18 years… then it suddenly is suppose to stop? No way? It is just impossible!!! I am still a kid! Wanting something now, then forgetting about it, playing, trying, choosing, and being unable to just react as… an adult. Okay, I do feel superior when I can have ice cream and a little one can not… but still, I do not feel like an adult. What the heck?

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How in fact an adult should feel? Is there a recipe? I mean really? Because I should know what to avoid.

For some people being an adult is being married and having a family… for others, important job answers this question. But… in fact what does it mean? Do you really feel different than some years ago? I mean really? Because except this letting myself doing what I want, doing something I am not forced to do… I am so not adult. A well dressed lady wearing a fucking bra and heels. Nope, no way. Pretending… acting. I think I do not believe in being an adult. Just into some understanding, that you are important too and you can let go.

Nothing else…

Do you know this saying: act like you should, act for your age? I HATE IT!!!Is there some weird bible for age? Or maybe it is just somebody’s boring, sad way of life? So… it should be mine? No fucking way!!! NEVER!!!

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Weird dreams again…

Is it the Moon, time of a month – yuck – or maybe just something I ate? Or maybe not enough ice cream in my diet? Or chocolate?

Or…

Why we have weird dreams? Is it only because our brains are just normal, or because we think too much? Sometimes I wish to stop thinking… SHUT UP I mean really! I sometimes dream to yell at my own head to shut up. To stop thinking… to make this weird brain work differently, just to slow down and… Yeah, but when it does it from time to time, I really miss it!!! Woman right?

Do we dream only to solve problems later, to have fun, to remember, or maybe process emotions and the past… be ready for the future? Too many ideas, right? All I know… we need dreams! Even nightmares.

We need them…

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Still…

Of course I am aware of all those fancy theories why we dream. What do I think about it? Well, I bet my brain is just cleaning it up, so it is so easy to put together my last day, with few books and weird theories about symbolism in archaeology… simple, right? Our heads are in fact awesome machines, and it would be so much fun to just explore it, but not the Zombie way… you know, not with garlic added and butter…

Sooo… what did you dream about last night?

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Calming

So when you are a psycho like me, scared of everything… I mean really, you just try to find things to calm you down. You learn how to fight, but also just be yourself, little ball of fear. Something to smell, to hug, something to hide – very important, someone to tell you that you do not have to go out or just tell you, that saying NO is okay… Well for me sounds are also important. So… I do not watch it, but often have on my laptop while writing, some videos. Do not ask me why, but they help me to feel safe…

OMI I am really weird, right?

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I love listening (not watching) all those documents about polygamy… because I am so jealous, that I could never share my men! So for me it is really… another planet. Mostly like everything coming from USA. I mean… I do not watch TV, so yeah it is me weird me, but still, do they really have all those reality shows? I mean really? Or all those vlogs about dressing ups, I mean fashion… Well, people really buy so much stuff? And they have no clothes older than last season? My pants are 10 years old… or even more. I do not celebrate their bdays.

Somehow all those sounds and talking about different stuff, interesting but also shocking, painful too when you hear about SLDS, or even stupid things like having 5 hundreds pairs of shoes, calms me down. Why? It is a bit like… nope, got no idea why. Maybe it is that ASMR thing… but only when it comes to this guy!!! Baba!!! LOL

Do you have something to calm you down?

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Nothing…

I mean totally nothing. To think about nothing, to just be a breathing pile of old, fresh, but well worn clothes… they are comfy you know! Just to be… Why the heck a human being always have to think about something, always be worried? Stressed… even when your work is placed at home…

Or maybe it is just me?

How is it?

Really?

Soo… people ask.

They do not look, they always lie: of course I read everything about you, I always watch your page etc, I am so smart, I can read, of course I can. I thought that maybe it is only me, but I also work for a publishing house (archaeology and books is a pure compilation of me) and there are always kids asking questions which in fact were explained in a last post. People do not search for information anymore! What is wrong with fucking google? And try to say someone “google it” geez they are so mad…

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Sooo… I have a dream. A dream about forgetting all those nasty things, about just not being… for a moment. Or nope, moments sucks! You just know they will end and everything will be back…

Am I rambling? Of course I am! Internet hurts. But lucky for me, not always. The biggest fun is to see places, which me with all my fears strangling me, will never see. Or getting post or just looking at all those funny photos, people being just happy.

How do they do it?

Nothing…

Maybe it is not such a good idea? Maybe I will step into my imagination and finish those two big paintings…

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I’m so sure I’m right.

I had a skirt once which had sewing on the “wrong side”… every woman, older usually, was ready to inform me that I am so silly, i put it on the wrong side… Why the heck people are always so ready to “help”. Okay, in fact all they wanna do is to say: I am better, I know more, you are stupid, dumb and ugly…

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Yup, people in fact rarely wanna truly help. We do not need saying: hey you have a hole in your pants. I know that, I can do nothing about that now, there was a nail, there is a story, I need to go from A to B… Yes, so I have a hole, do you have pants for me? Nope… only so called good wishes, or maybe fucking prayers?!!! Oh yes, I LOVE when people pray for me!!! Yup, that was sarcasm!!!

So… why people are so ready to tell you what you did wrong, but never in fact say: hey, this is gorgeous, you are smart and stunning. Okay, maybe I am dumb and ugly, but what the heck, be polite! Right?!!! LIE!!! In fact you know nothing about me, you have no idea maybe I am a fucking fashion star! Maybe my skirt is something what will be worn in few years – yeah it was – maybe you are just annoying…

Why the heck I can not say to people that they are annoying!!!? Why I always give myself at least 50% of doubt? Or maybe not putting my nose into somebody’s else life? Why I do not want to lecture others? Because I am a student myself. I will always be. I do not know everything, and I prefer to get to things using books and experiments.

Empirical.

But… why the heck I am such easy target! And I mean in every language! I was told I am to polite! SHIT! LORT! Oh well… maybe i have a card on my back which says: kick here it is fun!!!?

I think I am stupid… LOL But I am not uneducated!

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Cold

Yup…

May, lovely, warm, hot even… everything is blooming on my Island, everything is singing, tiny birds were born in my drainpipe. Yeah, I can hear them while… well, we all do it, so why I feel ashamed… peeing. Well, the drainpipe is of course around my roof, and they have a lovely nest in it, and it is placed above my… toilet. So you know, we hear each other. Very. But this is time for them to nurse, feed and listen, In fact now those two little sparrows are really busy. Sometimes I think about helping them, but me and kids? Oh nope! And it is hot. Really hot! The blue sky, green leaves, and heat coming from up, down, and all around me. At least me thinks so…

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I am walking through yellow fields of rape, so beautiful, so strong… lovely trees are checking new leaves, thinking what to wear this spring. Oh my, they look lovely, especially birches, with all those sparkly, light pieces of green on those awesome, thin branches. You know what? I… and in fact I can not stand it. Everything is burning! And I hate t-shirts!!! That yellow ball above me, okay now it is white like, is taking away all liquid from me!!! I am vaporizing! I mean really… and I can not sleep when it is so hot!

I love cold, I need cold, I am cold!!! LOL

How can I survive next summer? I really think I need my own iceberg! Huge one! And with a cave inside, with a nice sleeping bag… oh my, that could be fun!!! Am I the only living being, except snowmen who is not waiting for summer?

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Fancy

I mean really, in these modern days everything got to be so fancy. You can not just wear sweat pants and be happy with your bred, butter and an apple.

But what if you can?

Since I remember I was not fancy. Sorry for me the most amazing meal was pastry baked by my Grandmother. Not fancy, but the tastes. Just a simple, thin pie with some crumbles and rhubarb. Or a regular bun with butter and soft egg, or some ham, tomato and cucumber. Simple. Taking a sandwich for a long walk or some boiled eggs! Oh my, this is fun! I do not get it why people talk so much about how bad McDonald’s can be… just take your own sandwich, let others decided! Stop moaning!!!

Is McDonald’s fancy?

Nope?

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So… happiness is just being simple. Lying down, watching birds, being able to take awesome photo and then eating your egg or a sandwich. Some chocolate and I am in heaven. I had some simple cheese yesterday, that was an orgasm! Why for me enough is this what is simple?

What is wrong with me! My imagination is fancy, I bet. Maybe it is not mine? Maybe I stole it?

Maybe? Or maybe people overloaded with all those adverts and commercials can no longer find happiness in simple things? And simple doings. I mean really… everything got to be so modern now, fancy, made in Narnia! Why? Berries in your garden got the same amount of vitamins than those fancy somename seeds! So why you do not eat them? But are ready to buy something from Neverland?

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My ears?

Well yeah…

… I think, or I should say, that I just noticed, that they can be a problem for some of people. Really… For me they are just ears. I use them to listen, to have fun, and to wear earrings. But I do not have just a pair of them, or two… I have 13. Somehow they are my diary, my whole life since I was 8 or 9 and finally Mother let me pierce my ears. But for only a pair… ages ago it was a lot! Then during University time it started. One for this, two for that… when we finally moved to my beloved Gudhjem I had 2 last.

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I never thought about my silvery, always whispering earrings, as about something shocking. Just never! They are me. A total important part of me. They are long, but very light and silver, I love silver. With lovely chains they are me. My memories, my stories, my thoughts… My whole past. Something unique. Find someone who is like me?! You can not!

Never…

So… is this shocking for you that i am wearing 26 earrings? Everyday? Is it?

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