The city…

Started to writing this post, and a documentary by Netflix turned on… about addictions. But in fact, wait, not addictions, more like stimulators. And suddenly I was like: WTF. How much in fact I run away, how far away I stepped from this modern world when I started my small experiment about Bronze Age…

OMMI Like light years? Really? Is it now, that everyone has ADHD? Everyone is sick? There is no healthy person? I mean really? Why nobody sees it differently? That this world made us to need that shit? Because yes, I am addicted to nasty stuff too… I do not rink alcohol, coffee, I do not take drugs or smoke, I exercise and try to avoid stress, but even I have anxiety and depression. And I do not consider it a sickness. Yup. I have it in my genes, so you can not cut it off… you, or me here, just suffer. Especially when in the city. Between houses, or more like… between people. With my not existing self esteem, oh yeah, this is the fucking hell.

Still… so amazing.

When you come to Copenhagen, and luckily find a parking space – sorry can not ride on a bike from Bornholm, I am not Jesus!!! You can walk. But even if you walk, oh that joyfulness… oh yes, a bike can ride you over.

Or knock you…

Splendid.

But still… all those canals, waves, boats, colors, old stuff combined beautifully with some new stuff. Weird feeling of freedom, princesses and knights…

Oh yes, it is amazing. And fairy tale like. Hans Christian is here still somewhere… not only on postcards. But still, I am writing those memories and listening, earlier passing Christiania… yup, like a virgin there, totally… if you do not know what it is, just google, so suiting to this what I am listening to.

But again… strolling.

PS. The documentary is called “Take Your Pills”.

Still walking.

Amazing sun, I bet a regular human being would be amazed but I know that I am here only because my Husband is by my side. Because recently I can not go out alone… again. My record of my life is over a year…

Yeah… so maybe it is a sickness? A kind of illness? Maybe just a disfunction. Fear combined with sadness… or maybe just me?

I mean really…

Maybe in fact this is this world?

Maybe in fact there is nothing wrong with me except some weirdness, only this everything around is just too quick? Maybe… look, I am in the city, me living now between the field and a small woodland, the sea and more trees. Me, the one who escaped from the big city, who in fact had all those possibilities. And chose the island. Who is so unaware of so much going on around…

Who can not get how someone can be bored, and have nothing to do.

But maybe living in a city… maybe the city makes it all more frightening? For me for sure. Trees get me so much better.

And yes, they can talk!!! I am addicted to them. Addicted to my Island, to my tea, archaeology, stone carvings, bears, books… and few pills a day. They do not stimulate me. They take away some ear, but only a small part of it. Maybe I should consider something bigger, but what if it change me? What if I loose control? What if… I mean really, I addict so easily, also has it in my DNA. In fact closed doors and woods work on me so much better. But finally, I got to open my laptop and suddenly it changes.

So bye… turning off.

Nyhavn

Okay. I think we can be honest.

There is no point in saying hat this is a very historical place in Copenhagen… dated around middle of XVII century, right? Who cares?

Only me…

Most of people will get it as the most instagramable place in Copenhagen. Even more will not know that Copenhagen is the capital of Denmark.

But who cares, right?

Am I sarcastic?

OF COURSE I AM!!! Hell yeah!!! Hans Christian Andersen lived here! Come on. It is a crazy fair tale land!!!

A place full of people, and in fact we were there in the hottest day of a century and when it was filled with people. Of course. Because why not… this world hates me!!! Really. And photos here can be so awesome, but how to make all those people go away and of course remove all those modern thingies?

Boats can stay.

They are cute. Even with those people who live on them. So cute. Those little baskets full of flowers, those tiny post boxes… I am so melting, not only because of seasickness, dizziness and temperature. So damn cute!!!

I think it really shows how I hate the city.

Or wait, nope, I do not hate the city, I love architecture, colors, diversities, canals, sea… boats even, but people and nasty bikers… nope. No way. And hot weather. Nope, not for me. So maybe… I will come back here one day. When it will beat autumnal and wet or maybe just autumnal and with no people, or very early, can I do it? Can I? I must, just see those reflections. All I needed was the time, which i did not have because polish consulate is placed in a most posh part of the city an of course open only for an hour or two for peasants. Oh well… where the heck is my prince Harry, or more like Christian or Frederick here. LOL Yeah, of course I had my prince with me, but without a fancy title we had to use peasants doors… Oh well.

Do I really wanna be a princess? Do not think so, being a witch is enough.

LOL

Night art

There is something in darkness.

There is something in those lights swimming around you, especially if you are 23 hours on feet and on seasick pills, so not holding everything together smoothly… but there is something, right?

Something what changes so much, especially when you think here is only peace, quiet and waiting time. Something calming but also disturbing, because everything starts to look so much different.

Like from other world. Like behind the veil which is so ready to be discovered. So ready to be touched, caught if you can… even…

But still, I love it.

It calms me, it makes me sure, that there is more than everyone talks about, everyone thinks about, that all those possibilities are here. All I have to do is… be shaky. LOL I mean really. But look at those shades, misty wrinkles, colors and softness. Amazing, rich softness. Just look… oh no, are you sleeping already?

Are you afraid…

Are you afraid…

Are you afraid of being forgotten?

See, people often asks us why we do not have kids… because somehow if you do not have them, you leave noting behind you. Or, what I find hilarious: you give nothing good to the world. LOL Are you kidding me people?

Really?

Making more humans is our only thing to do? Only legacy? Or better, that phrase pisses me off the most: who will take care of you when you get old. Well, news for you, you do not make kids to have nurses. You give birth t animals, you raise them, or more like you should raise them for humans, good people… and then let them flourish. Be who they wanna be. Fly wherever they want.

Simple.

But, are kids those crazy monuments couples should leave behind them? To be not forgotten? Bullshit. What if none will remember me? What if I will disappear? Well… I will not be. Just simple. Somehow I am not afraid of being forgotten after death, I am sad when nobody remembers me now… Because now really counts. Future can in fact never happen and the past is pain, so… I am now. I am my research, my art, my thoughts, dreams and… I am me. Walking fucking monument. Probably none will ever remember that someone like me was on this planet after my death, but to be true, none of us knows what happens. Maybe I will come back as a tree or a bear or maybe a very annoying president? What do you think?

Or maybe it is pure egoism?

Maybe it is this need to be mighty gods? This weird need which hides in so many. Those who think can everything against nature, others, walking on dead corpses of many… or just fear. Again, fear of death?

Sooo… are you afraid of being forgotten?

 

That redness

Too much can make you angry. Anxious an really pissed off. Proofed by scientists. Some people even feel something more when placed in a room full or that kind of redness which does not work good for them.

Me?

Red scares me a bit. It yells, it is loud and everyone sees you when wearing something red. When your face tuns red people can laugh because it means you are embarrassed… and it sucks, right? When your face shows everyone you are vulnerable.

Still it pops! It is noticeable, it rocks. Can come in so many shades, darker, lighter, thrilling even. So dignified. A lady in a little red dress is more sexy… or just desirable. Red roses mean love, red ca means more tickets.

So what? Go red?

Paths

The old sayings yells at me: it is you who chooses the path. It is you who take a turn… it is all about you. And it is the truth, but, in fact not always. As kids we can not decide where we will live. Where we will go.

Nope.

Parents are moving, so even crying and yelling, you must follow. You got to wait until you can choose your way, path, road or whatever… rocky or smooth. Again, the truth is, that if you had a better start because of your parents and did not have to worry about cash, you will be different. Maybe less stressed, maybe easier, maybe even more? Different. But with not always being worried about money you are better. You feel better. Again: crying in a Porsche is better than on a bike.

Oh come on!

The truth is that with money you will get things easier. You just buy them not lick the glass waiting for a miracle, because even with the degree you still do not earn much enough… life sucks. And I think life knows it sucks and loves it. Really. This is why I love walking, because I can choose my own path, and you know what? I always choose the one more difficult but shorter. Climbing, when on four it is not walking – right LOL, strolling, running… I choose my way.

When someone tells you that you are deciding – punch his face.

I mean really. We live in a world full of other people deciding for us in too many ways. So, when you go out, find woodland to feel free truly. Although beware of poos, stepping in one is no fun at all. LOL Still, go there. Just go. Choose a hard path, try it, leave if you do not like it. In fact only nature is your freedom. Do not let others take it from you. Fight for nature, trees, clean air and plants. FIGHT FOR IT!

And never listen to that shit like: past will make you better, pain will make you stronger… oh bullshit! I could feel much lighter without a lot of things in my life. Maybe even more open, maybe better for myself, really. I could live without some things from my life. Really!!! I could. Come on! Life is nowadays full of sentences and coaches saying the same bullshit. The truth is that there is no truth. Every one of us is different. We react differently to things, days, nights, what is happening or what is not happening… give yourself some space. Live normally with all the normality you define so…

Breath! And buy yourself a new plant. Why not… LOL

Windows

Okay…

I may be obsessed. A bit. A large one… but windows are such huge metaphor of everything. Of life, being, love, surfaces…

They are stories about this what is in and out. scary and frightening, but also balancing everything nicely.

Stories about those watching and those who wanna stay in silence, hidden behind curtains. And why we should let them stay there, not push them out.

About forgotten ones, and those who just decided to be wiped out from this world. About sacrum and profanum. This what is saint and what is a sin… and what is still undecided. What us in this weird in between…

About life… living, friendship and fun, love and caring, but also…

… loneliness… reflecting others, pretending to be others, when your own life is too scary to reflect it, this pain on your face. Because you so not want to make others sad. Your sadness is enough… enough…

Tulips

In fact… tulips. One of the most popular flowers in the gardens here around spring. Also, we do have one kind of yellow, smaller, softer and more fragile tulips which are wild and amazing… you can find them around fields, meadows and surrounding woodlands. Like little sunny protectors…

But for now, those common.

Red…

Somehow for me tulips are not only colors and shapes, but mostly this amazing, perfect mirror like, lacquered skin… they are covered with.

Just look at them.

Always so proud, so straight on. Like little soldiers, or those ladies who you know will never like you… yeah, welcome my no existing self-esteem.

There is something in them… something more than this spooky, ALIEN like inside. Something what, if you are brave enough to dry those petals between pages of your favorite book, will stay with you forever.

Something magical or only creepy? See… I am not crazy about spring. And spring flowers are not my fav ever but still, there is something unspoken in there. Something so secret, something fairy tale like. Something…

Although they do stink!

Spring?

Yaaaay!

We have sunny weather again and warm weather and… Yaaay? Ney! Yeah. I am one of those working only around zero of Celsius. Sorry, yes such weirdos live on this planet too. Yup… we are very rare, but we are here.

Beware.

What does it mean?

Well… I live on an island, so it means tourists back and even more people looking like strangers, weird cars, older gentleman in very ancient cars trying to date/pick up someone or something. End of quiet, begin of loud dragons moving soft lawns and cutting tiny heads of daisies, oh my they are screaming… I mean daisies…

Sad time. Sunny time with amazing light and brightly blue sky.

And yes, I am not impressed.

Because this sun is like liquid, golden pain. I am aware of the Sun changing recently. I mean recently, change it like into 20 years. But in few years, in last few years it started to be more exotic, much more bright. Yup this is Denmark, but the truth is we have a very special climate, so it is much more like crazy hot if not in a shadow. You can get some cooling breeze, but… got to get it. Got to find it! And this is not an easy task. It may hide, may follow you, may disappear again…

But the sun… it is painful. And it is so weird for me to be covered all way around when most of people goes semi naked. But I have no other option.

Is it an allergy?

I do not think so, more like me again being sure, that changes in this Universe we are living in, are much bigger than everyone says. That the activity of lovely, bright rays, is so much bigger. Even my strongest herbs have burnt leaves. And I feel dizzy. And in fact yucky, and nauseated… okay, I am coming back to my dark home. No way, I am so not going out today. Unless it is for swimming. LOL

Go out

I mean…

Why it is so hard but also so easy? Why I can find twenty jobs to do, but also just put pants and boots on and leave it everything. Will I have more to do when I come back? Probably. But I will do it anyway…

When you have depression and anxiety since like forever, you can do 3 things: try to accept it, fight and live, go to a doctor and fill up with drugs or… end it. I decided for option number 1 with third one always on my mind. I can do it always. Tried all those drugs, pills, talking was never an option. It went bad… What always works is accepting it and telling lies because people always ask why you are so scared unable to get it that there is no reason. I just got to not open my doors and stay under my table.

Hide…

Why I do not feel it in the woods? Of course I will jump up when I hear a noise or hide if I see human, but still… nature is logical.

Not stupid.

Humans are the opposite.

Woods, rocks, wilderness is friendly even when it bites. But sometimes I can not… just put on my boots, stop thinking about work and just go out. I can not. Something stops me. I can fight, but also, maybe I can just accept it, that I am unable of doing it? Because I am old enough and live with myself for long enough to know when I can not go out. When more exercises, work and staying home is better for me.

Because the only thing is to listen to yourself and to learn yourself. Not fighting. Maybe I do not love myself, but a least I know that I am the best fun for me and also am the worst nightmare. Really. But fighting for woods, rocks and all this wilderness is important. So if you are more “normal”… go out. Look at this spring, leaves, flowers… find out what their names are because we forgot them, touch them, smell them, admire them, cuddle the bark. Kiss standing rocks. Leave TV and internet alone.

It will be here when you are back.

I promise…